Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by **socksy** » July 19, 2015, 9:41 am

In church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing?"

Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Post by **boes** » July 19, 2015, 10:46 am

https://video-arn2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hvide ... e=55AB39FD

Post by **socksy** » July 19, 2015, 11:41 am

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are we living in Bradford?" :-"

Post by **socksy** » July 19, 2015, 11:57 am

Watching that video Boes - if it was me the tank would resemble something more like a sceptic tank but good video.

Post by **boes** » July 19, 2015, 12:37 pm

No wonder she was scarred..poor little thing

Post by **socksy** » July 20, 2015, 7:14 am

Getting your priorities right!

Post by **Astana** » July 21, 2015, 7:28 am

Starting a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Wilson, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Henry. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Wilson, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Brown since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Post by **socksy** » July 22, 2015, 7:23 am

Germany propping up Greece.

Post by **747man** » July 22, 2015, 5:50 pm

Watch This Irish Fella taking his driving test !!!

https://youtu.be/nYHWb1r41Iw

Post by **747man** » July 23, 2015, 10:14 pm

Ouch !!!!

Post by **socksy** » July 26, 2015, 10:00 am

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
> divorced 10 husbands.
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>> On their wedding night, she told her new husband
> to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
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>> "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
> married ten times?"
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>> "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me
> how great it was going to be.
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>> "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure
> how it was supposed to function;
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>> But he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
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>> "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything
> checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
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>> "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
> order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
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>> "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but
> he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
> the-art method.
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>> "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
> wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
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>> "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was
> never sure how to position it...
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>> "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
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>> "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
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>> "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick
> it..... God I miss him!
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>> " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..
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>> Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
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>> "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
> screwed."

Post by **nkstan** » July 26, 2015, 1:23 pm

Divorce - due to an unusual problem.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
>
> She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
>
> “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
>
> “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
>
> “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
>
> “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
>
> He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
>
> “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
>
> “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
>
> “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
>
> “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
>
> “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
>
> Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
>
> “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

Post by **socksy** » July 27, 2015, 9:41 am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Post by **socksy** » July 27, 2015, 9:54 am

The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

Prince Harry says he doesn't want the usual fruit cake when he gets married at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a flying f**k, he's still going.

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Supermarket Morrison's are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just made love to the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times.

Post by **boes** » July 30, 2015, 3:06 pm

Three men with terrible addictions go and visit the doctor.
The alcoholic is the first to enter. “Well,” says the doctor, “you have damaged your liver beyond
repair—if you have one more drink, you will drop dead.”
Shocked, the man leaves, vowing never to drink again.
The doctor’s next patient is a heavy smoker. “Right,” says the doctor, “your lungs are coated so
heavily with tar that I’m afraid to say if you smoke one more cigarette, you will drop dead.”
The man leaves, clearly shaken and promising himself to never puff on a cigarette again.
The doctor’s final patient is a raging homosexual. “Well, I must say,” says the doctor, “I’m afraid
that if you give in to your addiction just one more time, you will also drop dead.”
The homosexual leaves, resigned to the fact that he will never have sex again.
The three men are walking down the street when they pass a bar. The alcoholic can’t help himself
and runs inside for his final sip of beer—and drops dead.
The two remaining men are shocked but continue their walk down the road where they come across
a whole burning cigarette lying in a doorway. The smoker stops to admire it—shaking.
As he’s about to bend down and pick it up the homosexual turns to him and says,
“You do realize, if you pick that up we’re both dead!”

Post by **747man** » August 6, 2015, 12:10 pm

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he
met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.

They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to
the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race
she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling
paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on
which he placed $100 at 5-1.
It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes..
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing
her crotch.
He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

Post by **downunder** » August 6, 2015, 4:33 pm

CONSOLIDATED JOKE AWARDS 2015
SEPERATION IMPOSSIBLE
DUMB AND DUMBER

Post by **GT93** » August 6, 2015, 4:42 pm

It wasn't a conspiracy downunder. It just happened. jack is a shrewd poster and it is an amusing outcome to third parties. Your laugh will be non-Aussie posters thinking jack has a strange avatar.

Encourage Mrs. Downunder to focus on another player! Chin up.

Post by **jackspratt** » August 6, 2015, 4:53 pm

downunder wrote:CONSOLIDATED JOKE AWARDS 2015
SEPERATION IMPOSSIBLE
DUMB AND DUMBER