Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 25, 2022, 1:21 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 25, 2022, 1:24 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by thewatchman » July 25, 2022, 3:05 pm

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laughing at the occasional visitor and failed taxi drivers

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by pipadoo » July 25, 2022, 4:01 pm

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Right

[Duplicated memes removed.]
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by pipadoo » July 26, 2022, 5:19 am

Woke update
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by thewatchman » July 26, 2022, 12:57 pm

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laughing at the occasional visitor and failed taxi drivers

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 26, 2022, 2:25 pm

thewatchman wrote:
July 26, 2022, 12:57 pm
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by pipadoo » July 27, 2022, 11:56 am

That’s the correct answer every time 🥸
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 27, 2022, 6:21 pm

My flight back from Gibraltar to Glasgow has just been cancelled.

You could say I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 27, 2022, 6:23 pm

My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out...

And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 27, 2022, 9:03 pm

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM LOTUS'S !!
Yesterday I was at my local Lotus store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm ex-navy on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Lotus's

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 28, 2022, 1:47 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 28, 2022, 2:30 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 29, 2022, 12:20 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by pipadoo » August 1, 2022, 4:24 pm

I think this is about correct
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » August 1, 2022, 9:26 pm

Why do the Swedish Navy paint bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when the return to port they can Scandinavian

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » August 2, 2022, 10:52 am

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » August 10, 2022, 7:54 pm

Starbucks survey results

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » August 10, 2022, 7:56 pm

Why do plants always invite Mr Mushroom to their partys?

cos he's a fun gi

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » August 13, 2022, 2:57 pm

I've opened 3 birthday cards and I'm
already £150 up, I love being a postman…

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