Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

Englishman: "That your Dog"..??
Welshman: "Aye".
Englishman: "Mind if I Speak to him"..??
Welshman: "Dog don't Talk.”
Englishman: Hey Dog, how's it going"..??
Dog: "Doing All Right, Thanks".
Welshman: (Look of Shock).
Englishman: Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing at the Welshman).
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's He Treating You"..??
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of Total Disbelief).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Horse"..??
Welshman: "Horse Don't Talk”.
Englishman: "Hey Horse how's it Going"..??
Horse: "Cool, Thanks".
Welshman: (Extreme Look of Shock).
Englishman: "Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing to the Welshman).
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's He Treating You"..??
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he Rides me, Brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice Stable to protect me from the Weather."
Welshman: (Now a Look of Total Amazement).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Sheep"..??
*
Welshman: "That Sheep's a bloody Liar”..........555 !!

[Laan Yaa Mo]

Here's one,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chnlQQCsTVw

[stattointhailand]

[747man]

[747man]

There was an old farmer who lived on a rock.
He sat in the meadow just shaking his...
Fist at some boys who were down by the crick.
Their feet in the water their hands on their...
Marbles and playthings and at half past four.
There came a young lady she looked like a...
Pretty young creature she sat on the grass.
She pulled up her dress and she showed them her...
Ruffles and laces and white fluffy duck.
She said she was learning a new way to...
Bring up her children so they would not spit.
While the boys in the barnyard were shovelling...
Refuse and litter from yesterday's hunt.
While the girl in the meadow was rubbing her...
Eyes at the fellow down by the dock
He looked like a man with a sizeable...
Home in the country with a big fence out front
If he asked her politely she'd show him her...
Little pet dog who was subject to fits
And maybe she'd let him grab hold of her...
Small tender hands with a movement so quick
And then she'd bend over and suck on his...
Candy so tasty made of butterscotch
And then he'd spread whipped cream all over her...
Cookies that she had left out on her shelf
If you think this is dirty you can go ***** yourself!

[747man]

[747man]

343195773_943101456889248_1987087003025095526_n.jpg (11.56 KiB) Viewed 1478 times

[747man]

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect ..'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No...'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't..'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

[747man]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes more difficult for them to maintain the same standard of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman:
My name is George, (not my real name) let me relate how I handled the situation with my over-sensitive wife Mildred. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Mildred to take on an extra job to generate the extra income that we need.
Shortly after she started the job I began to notice how she was showing her age. I now get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest for half an hour before making dinner. I don't shout at her, I just tell her to take her time and wake me up when dinner is on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub, so eating out again is unacceptable; I'm ready for home cooking when I get in.
She used to do the dishes when we finished eating, but now she leaves them lying around for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her every few minutes that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this as she usually washes them before bedtime.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example she complains that she has not enough time in her lunch hour to do all the shopping. I smile, and suggest that she spreads the shopping over 2 or 3 days, and that it wouldn't do her any harm to skip lunch completely once in a while. Tact, after all is one of my strong points.
I know I look like a saint in the way I support Mildred.
Showing this much consideration is not easy. Many men will find it difficult - some will find it impossible. However, if you show a little more tact and diplomacy towards your ageing wife as a result of reading this, I will consider writing it was well worthwhile.
EDITORS NOTE:
George died last week, he was found with a 24 inch Stanley screwdriver stuck up his @rse with only 2 inches protruding. His wife Mildred was arrested, but an all female jury accepted her defence that he had accidentally sat on it...

[747man]

Afternoon you lot.
Off to the Boot for a boss afternoon with Billy Myers and chums.
Enjoy whatever you are up to. We will.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Two out of three ain’t bad.

[samster]

Afternoon you lot.
Off to the Boot for a boss afternoon with Billy Myers and chums.
Enjoy whatever you are up to. We will.

Yeah Billy and his mates. They're a real laugh. Should Boot be capitalised? I need context.

[deankham]

What is a 'boss afternoon'? This joke is a bit confusing, and who are these chums. They funny chums?

[747man]

[747man]

....Hee ! Hee ! Hee ! This is Desirees Bed I Believe !!

[Laan Yaa Mo]

Red Green on sharing feelings with your wife,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q29u0WCiCUQ

[747man]

Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest.
“He dropped his trousers last night Father, he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before.”
“Sure that’s only his penis Mary.”
“But father there’s a purple jerk on it.”
“That’s just the head of the penis Mary.”
“Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple jerk there’s two big round things. What are they Father?”
“Well for your sake Mary, I hope they’re the cheeks of his arse.”

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

A couple were on their honeymoon:
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" Says the wife.
The husband says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

[747man]

Trevor McDonald KNOWS........