Consolidated Joke Thread

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thewatchman
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by thewatchman » April 28, 2023, 7:26 pm

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laughing at the occasional visitor and failed taxi drivers

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jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » April 28, 2023, 8:23 pm

747man wrote:
April 28, 2023, 3:56 pm
A couple were on their honeymoon:
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin........."
A whole 6 months since you last posted this one, 474. :D

Congratulations are in order, as it seems you have signed up to https://www.everydayhealth.com/longevit ... emory.aspx 👍
Last edited by jackspratt on April 28, 2023, 8:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 28, 2023, 8:34 pm

jackspratt wrote:
April 28, 2023, 8:23 pm
747man wrote:
April 28, 2023, 3:56 pm
A couple were on their honeymoon:
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin........."
A whole 6 months since you last posted this one, 474.

Congratulations are in order, as it seems you have signed up to https://www.everydayhealth.com/longevit ... emory.aspx 👍
Well in 6 Months You'd probably forgotten it,Did YOU Search through the WHOLE Thread Pratty ??

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » April 28, 2023, 8:35 pm

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I had a bumper sticker in Texas that read 'Beam me up Scotty'. I often wish I could find one in Udon Thani

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » April 29, 2023, 6:09 pm

An unfortunate guy loses power in his Cessna in the outback.

He is able to send his GPS location to emergency services but is hundreds of kilometers from any rescue centre. The rescue centre sends messages to Stan Ball and Peter Smith who have sheep stations near the crash site, and both set off to help.

Fortunately, the pilot was pulled out of the wreck by the Smiths.
I had a bumper sticker in Texas that read 'Beam me up Scotty'. I often wish I could find one in Udon Thani

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 30, 2023, 4:34 pm

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jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » April 30, 2023, 8:22 pm

747man wrote:
April 28, 2023, 8:34 pm

Well in 6 Months You'd probably forgotten it,Did YOU Search through the WHOLE Thread Pratty ??
Unlike your goodself, jumbo, I have a mind like a steel trap. Allows me to remember every glorious entry you make on this thread, down to the date - and in some cases, the time. :-D

I look forward to seeing this gem again sometime around November/December. #-o

By which time the Evertons will also be struggling around the arse end of the Championship table.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 1, 2023, 12:39 pm

Pratty, I DON'T Think You'll have seen this one....But If You have just let me know,O.K. ??

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"
The husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", the wife sobbed, "but they will be the last words you say to me!"
The husband began:
"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."
"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."
"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."
"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."
"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."
"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."
The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”...

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » May 1, 2023, 11:11 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 2, 2023, 12:31 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 3, 2023, 11:18 am

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 3, 2023, 11:29 am

Dear Big C,
Last week I purchased some of your "smart price" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you.
For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom in Wrexham
So what exactly is "smart" about "smart price"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store.
A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a prostate exam.
The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply.
I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out!
Yours truly,
A very unhappy customer!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 3, 2023, 11:43 am

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 3, 2023, 11:46 am

A Friend Needs Some Advice, Please.....
I have suspected for some time now that my Thai wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, if her phone rings and Im around she will not answer it. She goes out with her Thai girlfriends all the time now and will not come near me. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the garage behind my motorbike. When she came home she got off someone's bike, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind my bike that I noticed a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket. Now is this something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » May 3, 2023, 8:00 pm

Question :- Why is the Daily Mail half the size it used to be?

Answer:- In the past it showed both sides of the argument

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 7, 2023, 12:01 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 8, 2023, 4:15 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 9, 2023, 11:51 am

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to ---- yourself when I tell you the price.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 11, 2023, 12:38 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 11, 2023, 8:20 pm

I was a very happy man, my wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over - 'To check my Sister's wedding invitations' she said. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me and that she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me". I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord and behold, my fiancé's entire family was standing outside all clapping and cheering! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, ‘Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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