Consolidated Joke Thread

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 19, 2022, 1:53 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 19, 2022, 1:54 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 19, 2022, 1:56 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 19, 2022, 1:57 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 19, 2022, 1:59 pm

Another One For The OIRISH Tefal Man......
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 19, 2022, 3:40 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 20, 2022, 10:40 am

A wealthy Jewish husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce! "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. “Ours is prettier," she replies.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » October 21, 2022, 6:29 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 21, 2022, 8:33 pm

Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if the left side indicator is working.
So the other blonde looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 22, 2022, 12:36 pm

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one ,but after looking through her knicker draw and finding a Nurses outfit,a French maid's outfit and a Policewoman's uniform I've dumped her.......she obviously can't hold down a job!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 25, 2022, 1:00 pm

A Kenny Rogers Classic Song......
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » October 26, 2022, 7:43 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » October 26, 2022, 8:06 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 27, 2022, 7:27 pm

A bloke turns up at the pearly gates, st Peter says, your welcome but I need a story of a courageous act from you first.before I admit you
The guy scratches his head..." I was only an accountant, but mm hang on..I was a part time referees too. And I was ref-ing a game between the Welsh rugby team and the Scottish barbarians in Cardiff. Two minutes to go and Wales are down three points when their winger runs down the side line....30 yards, and dives into the corner....everyone screamed for joy...but even though the touch judges didn't see it, I saw his foot go out....NO TRY.. I said And they lost! "
St Peter goes, " mmm, yes courageous enough mate, all right, will go check the records ok"
He comes back and says " listen mate, can't find this deed in your file, I need more info, what year did this happen?
The bloke goes, " year? Aah...It happened about 5 minutes ago!"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 28, 2022, 11:59 am

I went to the local hamburger joint.
Cook: what would you like sir ?
Me: a burger with the lot. (No pineapple)
I want the bun burnt beyond recognition.
I want the meat cooked as tough as the rubber on the bottom of a safety boot.
I want the almost inedible white stalk part of the lettuce rather than the delicious green part.
I want the tomato to be almost green and white rather than red.
I want the egg cooked that hard it could bounce like a tennis ball.
And I only want one square inch of bacon.
Cook: I couldn’t possibly cook that for you.
Me: why not .?.?.? …..Ya f*ckin did yesterday.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 28, 2022, 12:24 pm

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 28, 2022, 6:47 pm


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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 2, 2022, 11:44 am

A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt.
"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.
The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home.
As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt."
Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket."
The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here."
"Oh yeah, he ---- my pants too."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 2, 2022, 1:04 pm

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction ..
"85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied
.
"85! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Wit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock 15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to 40."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the
other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5, but it's going to be very traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman."
"Can ye confirm an appointment for my wife next Tuesday then?"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by ladda3904 » November 2, 2022, 5:01 pm

So Tiger Woods pulls up to the clubhouse of a very prestigious golf course. He walks in and tell the people at the desk that he would like to play around of golf. They announce that only members or invited guests can play their course.
"You don't understand" he says, "I am Tiger Woods your members would brag that I played their course."
"Sorry, but if you go back down the drive way, look to your left about a 3 wood down the road you will find a course where you can play" they respond.
"How many times do have to repeat this, I am Tiger Woods" he responds as he get irritated they don't recognize his importance.
"I am so sorry sir. It just registered with me who you are. The other course is probably only a 6 iron for you".

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