Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 26, 2023, 11:40 am

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."



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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 26, 2023, 2:19 pm

True In'it ?? :-$ :-$ :-" :-"
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 27, 2023, 11:55 am

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 27, 2023, 12:43 pm

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 27, 2023, 12:54 pm

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Well It Takes ALL Sorts......

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 27, 2023, 6:30 pm

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......555 !!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 27, 2023, 6:49 pm

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you"...
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver"....

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 27, 2023, 10:56 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 28, 2023, 4:16 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 28, 2023, 4:50 pm

U.K. Roadworks....Bloody Hell....
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 28, 2023, 5:11 pm

Desiree was one of Them.....555 !!
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 29, 2023, 1:05 am

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » May 29, 2023, 7:24 am

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » May 29, 2023, 11:30 am

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 29, 2023, 2:50 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 29, 2023, 7:18 pm

Four guys were at a campsite. They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next morning with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. The other two said: “Man, what happened to you?”
“Daryl snored so loudly,” he replied. “I just sat up and watched him all night”.
The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning the same thing happened, he appeared hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said: “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said: “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night”.
The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.
They asked: “Man, what happened?”
He said: “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » May 30, 2023, 11:13 am

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by deankham » May 30, 2023, 11:52 am

Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
\:D/

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Drunk Monkey » May 30, 2023, 12:22 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
May 30, 2023, 11:13 am
buddha.png
stattointhailand wrote:
May 30, 2023, 11:13 am
buddha.png
Now that is brilliant Statto .. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

you have redeemed yourself for all those out of date xmas cracker dad jokes in fowl swoop
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2023, 12:23 pm

deankham wrote:
May 30, 2023, 11:52 am
Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
\:D/
Had God Tried Your Hometown First Dean ?? Guess Sooooooooo !! :lol: :lol:

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