Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 21, 2023, 8:45 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Drunk Monkey » March 21, 2023, 9:45 pm

747man wrote:
March 21, 2023, 3:24 pm
stattointhailand wrote:
March 21, 2023, 3:12 pm
Gate post, blimey that must be the rich bit of Liverpool if hes got a front garden


livter.png
Oi, Numb Nuts.....I Had Front,Side,& Back Gardens So Shove that in Yer Pipe !!
NO swimming POOL in LiverPOOL Alan .. :lol: :lol: not like the Nong Khai lilac palace eh , i heard you got an Everton greatest memories room at your gaff.. its empty and you use salt n pepper pots as small trophies until the Toffees get their relegation cup soon.

Newsflash ..Scunny sell out of all allocation of 2000 away tickets at both Notts county this Saturday and 1000 York City on the following Tuesday .

DM
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 21, 2023, 10:00 pm

747man wrote:
March 21, 2023, 3:24 pm
stattointhailand wrote:
March 21, 2023, 3:12 pm
Gate post, blimey that must be the rich bit of Liverpool if hes got a front garden


livter.png
Oi, Numb Nuts.....I Had Front,Side,& Back Gardens So Shove that in Yer Pipe !!
That's called the garden shed :-k

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 22, 2023, 10:32 am

Drunk Monkey wrote:
March 21, 2023, 9:45 pm
747man wrote:
March 21, 2023, 3:24 pm
stattointhailand wrote:
March 21, 2023, 3:12 pm
Gate post, blimey that must be the rich bit of Liverpool if hes got a front garden


livter.png
Oi, Numb Nuts.....I Had Front,Side,& Back Gardens So Shove that in Yer Pipe !!
NO swimming POOL in LiverPOOL Alan .. :lol: :lol: not like the Nong Khai lilac palace eh , i heard you got an Everton greatest memories room at your gaff.. its empty and you use salt n pepper pots as small trophies until the Toffees get their relegation cup soon.

Newsflash ..Scunny sell out of all allocation of 2000 away tickets at both Notts county this Saturday and 1000 York City on the following Tuesday .

DM
WOW ! Your Up LATE,Posting at 9.45pm....Better Get Yer Horlicks or is it Ovaltine Tonight ?? And Get Yer Head Down....You need your Beauty Sleep as it HASN'T Worked up to now.....

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 22, 2023, 10:34 am

stattointhailand wrote:
March 21, 2023, 10:00 pm
747man wrote:
March 21, 2023, 3:24 pm
stattointhailand wrote:
March 21, 2023, 3:12 pm
Gate post, blimey that must be the rich bit of Liverpool if hes got a front garden


livter.png
Oi, Numb Nuts.....I Had Front,Side,& Back Gardens So Shove that in Yer Pipe !!
That's called the garden shed :-k
Oi Numb Nuts, Well it's NOT The Outside " Dunny " Like You've Got in your Gaff !!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 22, 2023, 10:44 am

DID YOU KNOW 🙈🙈🤣🤣.
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife / husband any more. He / she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; last, but not least,....
The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own!!🤣 lol x

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 22, 2023, 5:00 pm

Thought for the day

If Adam & Eve had been Thai, we would still be living in the garden of Eden


They would have eaten the snake not the apple

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » March 23, 2023, 1:55 am

Yes, I suppose you're right. What nationality do you think Adam and Eve really were?
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 23, 2023, 2:08 pm

100% American ........ they had to have the new "apple" product :-"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 23, 2023, 3:57 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 23, 2023, 4:10 pm

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when
she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be
taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the
blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off
they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over
so now we're going to Sea World."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 23, 2023, 6:16 pm

An elderly woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water..
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'
'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path! God Bless You all!!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by rick » March 23, 2023, 9:42 pm

Good one.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 24, 2023, 11:11 am

rick wrote:
March 23, 2023, 9:42 pm
Good one.
I Thought So Too Rick,But it was still DELAYED By Over 6 Hours Due to me being on the Moderators NAUGHTY Step..... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » March 24, 2023, 12:02 pm

747man wrote:
March 24, 2023, 11:11 am
rick wrote:
March 23, 2023, 9:42 pm
Good one.
I Thought So Too Rick,But it was still DELAYED By Over 6 Hours Due to me being on the Moderators NAUGHTY Step..... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
This cute story proceeded your conical hat award by several years. The 6 hrs was not significant in bringing it to the forum members who had not heard this parable before.

Hope you can return to the comfy chair in the centre of the room soon.
I had a bumper sticker in Texas that read 'Beam me up Scotty'. I often wish I could find one in Udon Thani

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 24, 2023, 1:47 pm

Whistler wrote:
March 24, 2023, 12:02 pm
747man wrote:
March 24, 2023, 11:11 am
rick wrote:
March 23, 2023, 9:42 pm
Good one.
I Thought So Too Rick,But it was still DELAYED By Over 6 Hours Due to me being on the Moderators NAUGHTY Step..... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
This cute story proceeded your conical hat award by several years. The 6 hrs was not significant in bringing it to the forum members who had not heard this parable before.

Hope you can return to the comfy chair in the centre of the room soon.
555 !! I've been TOLD That's NOT Gonna Happen ANYTIME Soon M8.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 24, 2023, 2:21 pm

A recent school leaver has been up to his usual - being an idle fcukwit, whose sole purpose in life seemed to be to maximise benefits whilst putting in as little effort as possible.
One day the smart little jerk is down the Job Centre and the duty admin wallah gives him the good news ....
"Sorry mate you have turned down 8 job offers in the last month, so it's ---- or bust for you fella!"
"What do you mean?" says the scrote.
"Simple mate," says the admin wallah. "I have secured you a job with the council, you start on Monday, and if you refuse to do it we will stop your benefits."
"But, but, but ..."
"Never mind the moped impressions fella," says Mr Admin, "meet Bob Jenkins at 0700 next Monday on the corner of Victoria Street and Jubilee Road. He will give you the low down on the job and believe me, I will be checking that you turn up!"
So Monday at oh seven double bubble said scrote is waiting on the corner when along comes a council van.
A honking fella gets out, stinking like he has rolled in something that died the month before.
As he walks round to the back of the van the scrote says, "are you Bob Jenkins?"
"Yep," says the fella. "You must be my new assistant."
"Yes I think I am," says the scrote. "Anyway, what are we doing?"
Bob starts prising the cover off a sewer manhole and says "we are going down there."
As the cover pops off the stench hits the scrote square in the grid and as he reels and gags he says, " you have got to be sh1tting me, it fcuking stinks down there."
Don't worry" says Bob, "you soon get used to that. And you really can learn a lot down there."
"Yeah right," thinks the scrote, then remembers his benefits are on the line.
So he gets suited up in a pair of sh1tty old overalls, a pair of waders, a hard hat and a head torch and follows Bob down the ladder.
As he suspected it was balfing, absolutely honking ... what a fcuking job!
All morning they wade through tunnels up to their waists in ---- and piss and at about 1300 the scrote is chonking like a good 'un and can take no more.
"I thought you said this was a good job. You said that I could learn a lot and that it would be interesting," wailed the scrote.
"So I did," said Bob, "and it can be."
"All morning, I have been up to my neck in ---- and I have learned ---- all" said the scrote.
"Well now" said Bob, "it's time for our lunch break, so why don't you sit yerself down on that ledge and I will educate you."
The scrote clambers up on to the ledge saying to himself "I can hardly fcuking wait!"
"Now, says Bob shining his torch around, "can you see where those three tunnels over there all flow into this chamber? They come from Union Street, New Road and Commercial Road."
"So what?" says the scrote.
"Well," says Bob shining his torch up the left hand tunnel, "that's the sewer from Union Street." Focusing his torch in a small circle of light on the surface he says, "can you see that turd bobbing along there? That belongs to Rob Flemming the butcher."
"How the ---- do you know that?" asks the scrote.
"Well," says Bob, " if you look closely you can see little wood chips sticking out of it. Swallowing wood chips from the chopping block are an occupational hazard of being a butcher you see."
Slightly impressed the scrote says " What else can you tell me?
Bob shines his torch up the right hand tunnel and picks out another turd. "That tunnel serves Commercial Road and that turd belonged to Dave Flemming the cobbler."
"Really?"says the scrote, "how do you work that out?"
"Because," says Bob, "if you look closely you can see fine shards of leather that he inadvertently swallows when he is paring down the soles on shoes he is repairing.
More impressed the scrote says "can you identify any more of these turds?"
"Well now," says Bob as he shines his torch up the middle tunnel, "this sewer serves New Road. And, ah yes, can you see that turd bobbing along there? The big black fcuker the size of Rambo's forearm?
"I see it, I see it" the scrote shouts excitedly. "It's mahoosive! Who the ---- cheesed that bastard down?"
"Oh" said Bob, "that one belongs to my wife."
"And how the hell do you know that?" asked the scrote.
"Because," said Bob, "it's got my sarnies tied to it!"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 24, 2023, 3:32 pm

Was it The Watching Man or Desiree Out with his new GF ??
337124683_226546909861784_3715928307005801890_n.jpg
337124683_226546909861784_3715928307005801890_n.jpg (23.56 KiB) Viewed 626 times

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » March 24, 2023, 6:24 pm

747man wrote:
March 24, 2023, 2:21 pm
A recent school leaver has been up to his usual - being an idle fcukwit, whose sole purpose in life seemed to be to maximise benefits whilst putting in as little effort as possible.
One day the smart little jerk is down the Job Centre and the duty admin wallah gives him the good news ....
"Sorry mate you have turned down 8 job offers in the last month, so it's ---- or bust for you fella!"
"What do you mean?" says the scrote.
"Simple mate," says the admin wallah. "I have secured you a job with the council, you start on Monday, and if you refuse to do it we will stop your benefits."
"But, but, but ..."
"Never mind the moped impressions fella," says Mr Admin, "meet Bob Jenkins at 0700 next Monday on the corner of Victoria Street and Jubilee Road. He will give you the low down on the job and believe me, I will be checking that you turn up!"
So Monday at oh seven double bubble said scrote is waiting on the corner when along comes a council van.
A honking fella gets out, stinking like he has rolled in something that died the month before.
As he walks round to the back of the van the scrote says, "are you Bob Jenkins?"
"Yep," says the fella. "You must be my new assistant."
"Yes I think I am," says the scrote. "Anyway, what are we doing?"
Bob starts prising the cover off a sewer manhole and says "we are going down there."
As the cover pops off the stench hits the scrote square in the grid and as he reels and gags he says, " you have got to be sh1tting me, it fcuking stinks down there."
Don't worry" says Bob, "you soon get used to that. And you really can learn a lot down there."
"Yeah right," thinks the scrote, then remembers his benefits are on the line.
So he gets suited up in a pair of sh1tty old overalls, a pair of waders, a hard hat and a head torch and follows Bob down the ladder.
As he suspected it was balfing, absolutely honking ... what a fcuking job!
All morning they wade through tunnels up to their waists in ---- and piss and at about 1300 the scrote is chonking like a good 'un and can take no more.
"I thought you said this was a good job. You said that I could learn a lot and that it would be interesting," wailed the scrote.
"So I did," said Bob, "and it can be."
"All morning, I have been up to my neck in ---- and I have learned ---- all" said the scrote.
"Well now" said Bob, "it's time for our lunch break, so why don't you sit yerself down on that ledge and I will educate you."
The scrote clambers up on to the ledge saying to himself "I can hardly fcuking wait!"
"Now, says Bob shining his torch around, "can you see where those three tunnels over there all flow into this chamber? They come from Union Street, New Road and Commercial Road."
"So what?" says the scrote.
"Well," says Bob shining his torch up the left hand tunnel, "that's the sewer from Union Street." Focusing his torch in a small circle of light on the surface he says, "can you see that turd bobbing along there? That belongs to Rob Flemming the butcher."
"How the ---- do you know that?" asks the scrote.
"Well," says Bob, " if you look closely you can see little wood chips sticking out of it. Swallowing wood chips from the chopping block are an occupational hazard of being a butcher you see."
Slightly impressed the scrote says " What else can you tell me?
Bob shines his torch up the right hand tunnel and picks out another turd. "That tunnel serves Commercial Road and that turd belonged to Dave Flemming the cobbler."
"Really?"says the scrote, "how do you work that out?"
"Because," says Bob, "if you look closely you can see fine shards of leather that he inadvertently swallows when he is paring down the soles on shoes he is repairing.
More impressed the scrote says "can you identify any more of these turds?"
"Well now," says Bob as he shines his torch up the middle tunnel, "this sewer serves New Road. And, ah yes, can you see that turd bobbing along there? The big black fcuker the size of Rambo's forearm?
"I see it, I see it" the scrote shouts excitedly. "It's mahoosive! Who the ---- cheesed that bastard down?"
"Oh" said Bob, "that one belongs to my wife."
"And how the hell do you know that?" asked the scrote.
"Because," said Bob, "it's got my sarnies tied to it!"
I take all my recent kind words back, you should be banned for life
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 24, 2023, 7:24 pm

Whistler wrote:
March 24, 2023, 6:24 pm
747man wrote:
March 24, 2023, 2:21 pm
A recent school leaver has been up to his usual - being an idle fcukwit, whose sole purpose in life seemed to be to maximise benefits whilst putting in as little effort as possible.
One day the smart little jerk is down the Job Centre and the duty admin wallah gives him the good news ....
"Sorry mate you have turned down 8 job offers in the last month, so it's ---- or bust for you fella!"
"What do you mean?" says the scrote.
"Simple mate," says the admin wallah. "I have secured you a job with the council, you start on Monday, and if you refuse to do it we will stop your benefits."
"But, but, but ..."
"Never mind the moped impressions fella," says Mr Admin, "meet Bob Jenkins at 0700 next Monday on the corner of Victoria Street and Jubilee Road. He will give you the low down on the job and believe me, I will be checking that you turn up!"
So Monday at oh seven double bubble said scrote is waiting on the corner when along comes a council van.
A honking fella gets out, stinking like he has rolled in something that died the month before.
As he walks round to the back of the van the scrote says, "are you Bob Jenkins?"
"Yep," says the fella. "You must be my new assistant."
"Yes I think I am," says the scrote. "Anyway, what are we doing?"
Bob starts prising the cover off a sewer manhole and says "we are going down there."
As the cover pops off the stench hits the scrote square in the grid and as he reels and gags he says, " you have got to be sh1tting me, it fcuking stinks down there."
Don't worry" says Bob, "you soon get used to that. And you really can learn a lot down there."
"Yeah right," thinks the scrote, then remembers his benefits are on the line.
So he gets suited up in a pair of sh1tty old overalls, a pair of waders, a hard hat and a head torch and follows Bob down the ladder.
As he suspected it was balfing, absolutely honking ... what a fcuking job!
All morning they wade through tunnels up to their waists in ---- and piss and at about 1300 the scrote is chonking like a good 'un and can take no more.
"I thought you said this was a good job. You said that I could learn a lot and that it would be interesting," wailed the scrote.
"So I did," said Bob, "and it can be."
"All morning, I have been up to my neck in ---- and I have learned ---- all" said the scrote.
"Well now" said Bob, "it's time for our lunch break, so why don't you sit yerself down on that ledge and I will educate you."
The scrote clambers up on to the ledge saying to himself "I can hardly fcuking wait!"
"Now, says Bob shining his torch around, "can you see where those three tunnels over there all flow into this chamber? They come from Union Street, New Road and Commercial Road."
"So what?" says the scrote.
"Well," says Bob shining his torch up the left hand tunnel, "that's the sewer from Union Street." Focusing his torch in a small circle of light on the surface he says, "can you see that turd bobbing along there? That belongs to Rob Flemming the butcher."
"How the ---- do you know that?" asks the scrote.
"Well," says Bob, " if you look closely you can see little wood chips sticking out of it. Swallowing wood chips from the chopping block are an occupational hazard of being a butcher you see."
Slightly impressed the scrote says " What else can you tell me?
Bob shines his torch up the right hand tunnel and picks out another turd. "That tunnel serves Commercial Road and that turd belonged to Dave Flemming the cobbler."
"Really?"says the scrote, "how do you work that out?"
"Because," says Bob, "if you look closely you can see fine shards of leather that he inadvertently swallows when he is paring down the soles on shoes he is repairing.
More impressed the scrote says "can you identify any more of these turds?"
"Well now," says Bob as he shines his torch up the middle tunnel, "this sewer serves New Road. And, ah yes, can you see that turd bobbing along there? The big black fcuker the size of Rambo's forearm?
"I see it, I see it" the scrote shouts excitedly. "It's mahoosive! Who the ---- cheesed that bastard down?"
"Oh" said Bob, "that one belongs to my wife."
"And how the hell do you know that?" asked the scrote.
"Because," said Bob, "it's got my sarnies tied to it!"
I take all my recent kind words back, you should be banned for life
It's NOT My Fault If his Mrs has HUGE Turds M8......555 !! :-" :-" :confused: :confused: :yikes: :yikes:

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