Consolidated Joke Thread

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deankham
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by deankham » March 4, 2023, 7:08 pm

Whistler wrote:
March 4, 2023, 6:59 pm
3rd rate working man's club hack at best
You give him too much credit, I've seen some good comedians in working man's clubs. :lol:

But I guess we all have our own preferences on what we find funny.

Now Peter Kay is a comedy legend. Probably my favourite.



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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 4, 2023, 7:17 pm

Fuzzy Ken wrote:
March 4, 2023, 6:47 pm
747man wrote:
March 4, 2023, 12:59 pm
Oh ! Chubby, Really........

I'm not sure whether he is funny or not, since I have been unable to locate the language on google translate 555
.....Yer Need to ASK Statto, He's an EXPERT On Teeside Dialects..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Earnest
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » March 4, 2023, 8:07 pm

deankham wrote:
March 4, 2023, 7:08 pm
Now Peter Kay is a comedy legend. Probably my favourite.
Yeah, Peter Kay is funny.

Car Share, Phoenix Nights.
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 5, 2023, 6:45 pm

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don'have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect)"Anything?" he asked.'Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room.The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees".
She did. Now take down my zipper".
She did.
Now go ahead ... take it out ." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered Well...go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ...... and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello, mum can you hear me?"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Drunk Monkey » March 5, 2023, 8:39 pm

:lol: :lol: now that was amusing Alan .. =D>
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 5, 2023, 11:31 pm

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 7, 2023, 12:04 pm

A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and asked. "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied. "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.
*Moral :Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.....*
The story continues....
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. "Your husband has blocked your credit card."
*MORAL : Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*
Story continues....
Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.
*Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*
Story continues....
After swiping, the machine indicated, 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.
*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*
Story continues....
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse. It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS. She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping. She bought her items and returned home happily.
*Moral: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!*
Story continues....
On getting home, his car was gone. A note was lying on the table.
"Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need something."
*Moral: Don't try to control your spouse. You will always lose!* 😂😂😂😂

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 7, 2023, 8:36 pm

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving.".........555 !!

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » March 8, 2023, 11:00 am

Ahhhhh
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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 8, 2023, 1:47 pm



555 ! Chubby......

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 9, 2023, 11:26 am

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled lady kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 9, 2023, 1:40 pm

trans.png

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BillaRickaDickay
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by BillaRickaDickay » March 9, 2023, 2:34 pm

Did someone mention Chubby?


He's got his little y-fronts and he's got his little vest, Chaz Jankel, 1998. Mash it up Harry.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 9, 2023, 8:04 pm

Never fart in an Apple store

They don't have windows

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 10, 2023, 11:33 am

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
“Sounds good,” my wife said, “but I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.
“You mean I’d have to pay more for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously.
“Yes,” said the waitress.
“I’ll take the special, then,” my wife said.
“How do you want your eggs?” the waitress asked.
“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
The lesson? Don’t try to outsmart a senior!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 10, 2023, 11:39 am

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE F***ING TEETH!!! 🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 10, 2023, 7:05 pm

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A96 near Elgin recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 10, 2023, 7:26 pm

insanity.png

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » March 11, 2023, 2:07 am

747man wrote:
March 10, 2023, 7:05 pm
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Ha, ha, good one!
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 11, 2023, 1:24 pm

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

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