Consolidated Joke Thread

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Earnest
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » November 29, 2022, 2:40 pm

jackspratt wrote:
November 28, 2022, 8:52 pm
Hold on a sec ..... KP has thrown his hat into the ring. :-s
Well, this is bloody marvellous, we have our very own Udon Map comedy club. Can we book Statts and his Dad joke routine?


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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 1, 2022, 11:04 pm

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » December 2, 2022, 5:55 am

Very Bob Monkhouse, Alan.
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Khun Paul » December 2, 2022, 7:29 am

Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to lead Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 2, 2022, 11:06 am

Earnest wrote:
December 2, 2022, 5:55 am
Very Bob Monkhouse, Alan.
Bob was O.K. Steve, Leave him alone !!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » December 2, 2022, 10:00 pm

He was and I'm a fan.
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Khun Paul » December 4, 2022, 9:40 am

Interesting ;
the adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for Iron as the adjective is Ironic.,

Thankyou !!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 4, 2022, 7:10 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 6, 2022, 8:02 pm

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 7, 2022, 12:30 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 7, 2022, 12:31 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 7, 2022, 2:23 pm

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.
1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
8. You still have a little bit on your chin.
9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » December 8, 2022, 3:46 am

And you got all this smut past Officer IC Udon Map's censor?

Where's KP, I want to hear some seasonal Widow Twanky Panto funnies.

That or Jack doing a straight man routine.
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Khun Paul » December 8, 2022, 7:11 am

Soirry ex-forces, it is funny Earnest , better than many , just waiting for the Woke and or PC brigade to rise and moan and groaqn.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 8, 2022, 1:32 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 8, 2022, 1:33 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 8, 2022, 1:35 pm

One For The Tefal Man....Dezzer111.....
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 8, 2022, 1:36 pm

You Certainly Did, Enoch !!
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 8, 2022, 1:39 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » December 8, 2022, 2:43 pm

Khun Paul wrote:
December 8, 2022, 7:11 am
Soirry ex-forces, it is funny Earnest , better than many , just waiting for the Woke and or PC brigade to rise and moan and groaqn.
Right you are.
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