How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

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milkman
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by milkman » January 13, 2015, 11:25 pm

My wife's brother's 15 year old son came to live with us after his parents' divorce. His father works out of town and stays over with him weekends. He stays with his mother once a week.

It's MY HOUSE, but the kid doesn't listen to me. I ask him to close the screen door when he comes in as mosquitos are flying in otherwise. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. Seems like he never had discipline in his family, so he doesn't know how to listen. Or just doesn't care.

For the second time this week, there was a blowup tonite over him talking loudly to some unknown guy on the Internet. My wife's parents are sleeping next door. Her dad is sick. I'm trying to get something done in the next room. To avoid new blowups, I made a rule- NO talking on the Internet after 9. Do your homework. Read. Do anything, but do not talk.

So 9 comes and goes, and he's talking loudly, he's laughing, he's howling. I knock on the door, ask him to be quiet. "Okay, okay." He says. 5 minutes later, he's back at it! I knock again. "Okay, okay." Then he goes back to doing the same thing! One more time- and I blow my cork!

I pound on the door and shout: "You are not my son. You are a child. You are here because I let you live here. You will listen to me or you will leave!!!" He goes on typing. I get my wife out here. Ask her to translate. Repeat myself that he is either quiet after 9 or he can go to live with his mother.

All very unpleasant, and most unpleasant in a culture where people just don't do this. My wife feels that she's in the middle, and is even somewhat sympathetic to the kid as, after all, "he's teenage"- as though that all by itself is a reason to ignore the request- demand- of the owner of the house where you live as a charity case.

Any thoughts? What would you do at this point?



timmy
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by timmy » January 14, 2015, 12:00 am

grow some " balls " and kick his ass .... tough love is the only love .....

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old-timer
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by old-timer » January 14, 2015, 12:16 am

It certainly isn't easy that's for sure. I've been through this so many times on all sorts of issues with my kids, they sometimes just don't listen.

Reducing or not giving them any pocket money normally does the trick as a teenager cannot operate without money. Making them do extra chores doesn't work because they deliberately make a bad job of it. If he is using your computer you can easily stop him using it at all until he has learnt his lesson. If he's got a motorbike you could take that away.
I found that if a teenage boy loses his money, phone or motorbike it's like having his legs amputated.

You need to man up and get serious, if you tried the things I mentioned and there is no improvement you will need to tie him up and lock him in cupboard for a week or so, there is no other alternative.

OT.......... \:D/

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malc123
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by malc123 » January 14, 2015, 1:22 am

Try turning off the Wi-Fi

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MALC
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by MALC » January 14, 2015, 1:51 am

time to man up.its your house your rules.do as you are told or you are out.no ifs and butts.

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dezzer
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by dezzer » January 14, 2015, 1:57 am

Deserves a good Chastising, give him a good kicking :D
You'll Never Walk Alone L.F.C.

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msa
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by msa » January 14, 2015, 2:18 am

If I were in your shoes, I'd would filter the internet connection so the boy's connection would be terminated before 9 PM. But i requires that you can set up your xDSL connection/router.


/M

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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by akwoodworker » January 14, 2015, 7:17 am

Difficult situation for sure. Thai boys grow up thinking they are special so expect all is given to them. My friend tells me that when a Thai boy gets a girlfriend it is for her money. They are so used to hearing the complaining with no results that it is just something to get through then he gets what he wants. My stepsons mom will rag on him for a long time then cave in. I have had long talks with him, in a calm voice that have amounted to wasted breath. It is sad that most of these boys will never be men, only boys. I see few men here in Thailand but a lot of boys. I told my stepson this and also told him when his wife kicks him out his kids go to her moms house. He never asks me for anything because I ask what he will do for it, be it money or whatever. There are two ways to learn in this life, family and the world, learning from the world is tough. I guess it is a good thing 'sled dog rules' do not apply here.

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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by mortiboy » January 14, 2015, 7:54 am

Obviously the kid has been bought up without any discipline.
Seems too late to change him now. Kick him out now.Its not your problem.
Why disrupt your life for... what?
My two(step kids) are so polite and level headed.I only need tell them once and its "khap" "Khap Pom"
Have you ever been to a internet cafe evenings?
Many are like a mad house! immature kids (and I mean about up to 16 year olds) shouting and screaming while playing games.
Why make your life hard? its not your son, and not your responsibility
This will always be a thorn in your side. Get him out now save more sorrow.
Mai mee tahng !

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pf-flyer
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by pf-flyer » January 14, 2015, 8:21 am

You need to start acting like a parent. You are not one of his juvenile friends. Who is in control of your house ? Things will never change until you get tough and stop being an enabler. I have observed this type of attitude in juveniles also. They are full of testosterone , proud, self-centered, selfish and they have an attitude of entitlement. Privileges are to be earned and not to be taken for granted. When the parent has a job and goes to work. Does the Boss set the agenda for the day or does the employee set the priorities and the agenda ? Make a sign that lists the rules of the house and post it prominently in the house. State that if he does not want to observe the rules of the house then he can go someplace else to live. Revoke all privileges. Make him earn them. That includes removing his bedroom door. If he wants privacy and the bedroom door returned; he earns it. If he want privileges; He must earn them; Just like everything else in life must be earned and not to be expected to be given out as an unearned entitlement. Life lessons can be harsh and brutal. Does he want to learn from life or from a family who cares about his future ?
"Life is like a tube of toothpaste. Outward pressure brings out the inward contents."

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papaguido
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by papaguido » January 14, 2015, 8:41 am

Yelling and losing your cool won't get you anywhere and it's also not helping when you start making comments like: "You are not my son. You are a child. You are here because I let you live here. You will listen to me or you will leave!!!" Not helping and making the situation more difficult and he will continue to rebel.

The kid is a teenager, challenging in itself and now having to deal with divorced parents and being tossed back and forth like a ping pong ball and living in a house with people he probably doesn't want to live with. His world has crashed and now you're stepping in trying to be a father figure. The kid is not even a step child and you "shouldn't" treat him like one. Understandably, if he going to live in your house he needs to have rules; put them in writing and explain the rules, make sure he understands. If he breaks a rule(s), don't have a fit, don't yell and let your wife and sister in law do the enforcing. Without warning take away a privilege(s). Don't get involved with explaining the rules or bringing down the hammer, get your wife and sister in law to handle it, if it all possible even the kids father.

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ting_tong
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by ting_tong » January 14, 2015, 8:46 am

many kind replies from thoughtful members

he aint your SPOILED kid and he dont have to listen to you
kick the b@stard out.......life goes back to normal

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Macca
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by Macca » January 14, 2015, 9:27 am

milkman wrote: It's MY HOUSE, but the kid doesn't listen to me.
It's his country and you're a farang so a losing battle right from the start.
I would take a big step backwards and let our wife and her family handle it. Explain to them what you want and what the consequences are if he doesn't listen.

From the kids side he seems to have lived a life of rejection through no fault of his own, he may well be crying out for attention.
I feel for the kids of today their futures are just awful for many reasons including the internet and all things i
Their lives are controlled by laptops, i-phones and i-pads. Th ability to communicate will become a thing of the past and be replaced by uncontrollable anger fits caused by hours of gaming.
You need to have a obey and reward system. Failure to comply means no internet time. It's the centre of the universe he can't live without it.

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Khun Paul
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by Khun Paul » January 14, 2015, 9:38 am

Rewire his room so that after 2100 hrs the only thing that works is a room light, then at least he will have to come out to use anything, and you control that space.
My friend did it and it worked.

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jackspratt
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by jackspratt » January 14, 2015, 9:53 am

Whatever you try to do, it will only work if your wife is onside with you.

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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by Bonanza » January 14, 2015, 9:53 am

You seem to be too worried about HIS feelings and the family etc. I had a similar situation about five years ago and after trying all the usual reasoning to no avail I gave an ultimatum - follow my rules or get out. This was ignored, so I dumped all his stuff on the drive and told the collective 'family' to house him elsewhere. Got the silent treatment from the wife for a week, BUT the family solved the problem and I heard no more about it. later we had a 'niece' for a while and she was as good as gold!!!

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Khun Paul
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by Khun Paul » January 14, 2015, 9:58 am

Yes Bonanza, we do seem to try to not ruffle feathers as it were, if your marriage is strong then their should not be problems, however it is a gamble in some cases. These children from the family as it were are probably shuffled about from pillar to post and while we cannot condone their attitude and it rankles as it upsets our houses harmony ,in some cases these ' children ' are not really to blame in some cases.

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redwolf
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by redwolf » January 14, 2015, 10:59 am

milkman wrote:My wife's brother's 15 year old son came to live with us after his parents' divorce. His father works out of town and stays over with him weekends. He stays with his mother once a week.
Screw treating the symptom. Eliminate the root cause.

Time for the parents to take the kid back -no excuses. They can divide it up however they must.

He's their son & they're not dead or disabled, and 2 + 2 still = 4 even in Thailand.

They know the deal and so should you. Women here (wives) accept the actions of their men, it's how they get rescued from being stuck in the middle. Though they'd never tell you that. You're supposed to just know it. And do it.

RW
AUT VIAM INVENIAM AUT FACIAM | ARCANA IMPERII | ALIS AQUILAE

samuel
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by samuel » January 14, 2015, 11:11 am

1st: it's all a matter of (missed) respect.
2nd: without the support of your wife, you can't do anything.
3rd: upbringing in thailand - i still wonder if this is even done.

All in all, i would never again let thai-relatives live together with me in my house. i tried for more than one year. it all ended up in a complete desaster and frustration - and a move to a new house.
:(

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trubrit
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How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by trubrit » January 14, 2015, 11:23 am

[quote="ting_tong"]many kind replies from thoughtful members

he aint your SPOILED kid and he dont have to listen to you
kick the b@stard out.......life goes back to normal[/quote]
How wrong can you be, he will never hear the last of it, whatever happens to the kid in the future, whether its drugs or anything else, will always be thrown back in his face for kicking him out .A farang in the local village here, had not dissimilar problems, when it got to the throwing out stage, he was told he could go , not the kid .I'm afraid you made the mistake of accepting him in the first, presumably from kindness, you can't go back without repercussions in your life. Blood is always thicker than water, especially for Thai women it seems .Life will never go back to what it was before, accept that or get out . Sorry.
Just seen the previous post , written while I was typing . That's what I mean .
Ageing is a privilige denied to many .

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