How to handle a 15 year old who doesn't listen?

Post by **akwoodworker** » January 14, 2015, 11:26 am

Agree Samuel, I tried to kick my step son out last year but it was his grandfathers house. We are building this year and I have told my wife he can not live with us. He is soon to be 19, talks back to his mom and bitches endlessly until she gives him money. Totally worthless but in Thailand a boy is almost idolized. It will be interesting, if my wife lets the boy live in the house the writing will be on the wall and I will be gone. Simple

Post by **GT93** » January 14, 2015, 11:37 am

Reads like a fair few farang children akwoodworker.

I don't know your situation but with step-children we also need to consider what's in the best interests of the "child". And the fact you are living in Thailand and in Thai culture.

Interesting comments about boys in this thread. I only have step-daughters. As teenagers they were both pretty wild but I didn't spit the dummy when I could have and they're wonderful adults now at 24 and 26 years old. I have a step-grandson who is nearly 8. It will be interesting to see what happens to him given the comments on boys in this thread and he's always had farang money making his life better unlike the step-daughters who did some harder yards when they were young.

With the original poster, there might be language misunderstandings and you can't expect a Thai kid to appreciate the cultural angle you're coming from. I'd ask: how important to you is the best interests of the child? And is kicking him out meeting those interests? What about a "suspension" from your house for a few weeks? It's easy for outsiders to play the Alpha male and say kick the little shxt out.

Post by **thaiguzzi** » January 14, 2015, 11:50 am

Teenagers. Hormones.
I was a complete ba#stard from the age of 14 till 16. Got better when i left school and started working and earning my own money. My own step daughter here was lovely till she hit 14.5. A complete c#un#t till she hit 17. She turns 18 next month and is a again a lovely nice human being.

Post by **stattointhailand** » January 14, 2015, 11:54 am

Sometimes I am amazed at how many people are living here in "LITTLE FARANGLAND"

If you want to live like you do in the "West" with Western morals, Western behaviour and Western ways of doing things...... live in the West
If you want to live in Thailand then ADAPT to the Thai way of life or if you can't adapt, at least accept it.

Thai kids will ALWAYS be passed/shoved around the family, it's what happens here, people need to work when they can, and that often means being away from home and quite often their wife for months even years on end, they don't have a govt that pays them to sit at home all day and look after their kids.

Can't afford to look after the kids then don't have them right?

WRONG, If they dont have kids who is going to look after them when they get old and can't work anymore no govt pension/free health service and free TV Licence/Fuel allowance in Thailand.

Post by **akwoodworker** » January 14, 2015, 12:03 pm

Had a stepson in US who could have passed for a Thai boy and my attempts at discipline went over poorly and his mom traded me in. However ten years after the fact he ran into my son and told him he understood what I was trying to do telling my son he loved me for what I tried to do. I want only the best for my stepson but he doesn't care what I say. Have had many good talks with him but nothing makes a difference. I don't criticize but no more talks of importance.

Post by **noosard** » January 14, 2015, 2:06 pm

It comes down to the boss of the home
and the boss sets the standards
you need the backing of second in charge
Our home has 5 adults and 4 boys
I tell my wife she is in charge but went push comes, it is me that has final say
No disrepect to the other adults or wife
4 boys can be wild noisy and disrepectful but extra chores and the wife with a stick gets things done

Post by **deankham** » January 14, 2015, 2:24 pm

Different strokes for different folks but I don't envy any of you who live with in-laws / step-kids / nieces&nephews / etc.
..Not my idea of a peaceful life but that's just me. Our house if for me, the wife and my child. Family come and visit and stay which is great but they certainly don't live with us and when we are out of country the house sits empty.

Sorry I didn't actually give any advice but all these comments along the lines of 'grow some' probably don't help at all either!

Post by **KHONDAHM** » January 14, 2015, 3:24 pm

jackspratt wrote:Whatever you try to do, it will only work if your wife is onside with you.

Co-signed.

That said, if it were me, the only thing of his left on the premises would be his azz marks on the concrete and the puffs of smoke from them as he bounced off the property.

If your Missus is not on your side, then perhaps it's actually YOU who THEY think needs to bounce - except nobody is telling you as much...in that case whatever you think you have is not thicker than blood...

Post by **KHONDAHM** » January 14, 2015, 3:45 pm

PS - I have a (step - hate that qualifier) daughter and she knows her limits because she tested them. No problems since because she knows I don't speak idle words no matter how much I love her.

Ditto for my (biological) son. If he evah were to disrespect me, his mother, our home, or himself as per the OP, he would be out searching for scraps to build his new shack a decent distance from the house...

Post by **GT93** » January 17, 2015, 10:17 am

I will be reading you wrong KD but in that last post you read like a thug. What's disrespect? To say fXck off? I reckon in NZ practically every kid in a decent home would say fxck off to the old man or old woman once year. They might not say it to an old man who will beat the crap out of them.

Teenagers have attitude and I had you in my book as probably one of the best posters for dealing with that. In your usual posts you are obviously a very patient man with an eye for the long game.

My brother who used to be a criminal prosecutor once said to me if his son ever uses illicit drugs including cannabis he'd throw his son out of the house. Given the high odds a kid is likely to experiment with drugs in NZ, I said you may as well say goodbye to him right then when his son was just 5!

Anyhow, here's a link to a query about a kid facing a new step-father in his home and the kid's being difficult:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle ... ew-partner

OK, it's different from the original poster's question, but the expert advice suggests being the alpha male isn't the best approach.

Post by **ronan01** » January 17, 2015, 12:07 pm

15 year olds are generally dealing with a massive change in hormones (testosterone especially) and in a broad sense are not in total control, there is also the desire to rebel in order to differentiate and establish themselves as an individual - a difficult time - this may explain, but not condone, poor behavior.

You are the adult, and in control of your behavior, and should try not to blow your stack, difficult as that may be. Lead by example.

Establish firm rules and stick to them - you need to establish, explain and apply those rules consistently. Yes, it is your house, but try not to say that, rather, establish rules that benefit the whole household.

Rules will require wife / mother support as per JackS, Macca suggestion of obey and reward is sound. But better to reward good behavior than punish poor (where possible) - positive reinforcement seems to work better i.e. it is better to train a dog by rewarding it when deserved, rather than beating it for p!ssing on the floor - beating a dog results in an animal that is conditioned by pain and fear, not a good outcome.

Removing or restricting privileges must conform with the rules (as per Oldtimer) - there must be a clear relationship - and this should be applied without anger. With rights also come responsibilities - he should also be assigned daily duties (floor sweeping etc) so that it is clear he is part of the household and should contribute in order to gain "rights".

Good luck

Post by **GT93** » January 17, 2015, 12:18 pm

A good post ronan01. I'd add that the Thais seem to have a different attitude to rules than farang. So there's big room for cultural misunderstandings with rules.

Post by **ronan01** » January 17, 2015, 12:28 pm

ps - I have a 20 year old thai "son" living with me - he went through a bad patch from about 15 (skipping school, yaba, police, etc) - doing ok now - he was found a job and "forced" to work and attend english school, and very strongly "encouraged" (i.e. not really given an option) to come with us on walks / exercise (a cruel punishment I agree), and also "dragged" by me to my formal training sessions twice weekly - in short, we ran him ragged for a period where he did not have too much idle time (to develop bad habits). When we thought it safe we allowed him greater control over his day - we put him on a short lease for awhile and now let him run around without a lease .... most times. He seems happy to conform ..... in order to avoid "exercise / training" I suspect. Children who are given clear boundaries always seem happier than those without any boundaries I think.

Post by **ronan01** » January 17, 2015, 12:29 pm

lease = leash

Post by **noosard** » January 17, 2015, 1:30 pm

The only difference maybe with thai's attitde towards rules
is if caught breaking them maybe i can pay to get away with

Post by **bumper** » January 18, 2015, 10:48 am

Wait till they hit 35 before you talk to them.

Post by **milkman** » February 9, 2015, 10:28 pm

Thought you boys might be interested in an update on the bad nephew we have living here:

My wife and I have been gone for a month to Cambodia and Koh Phangan, partly to get away from the terrible nephew.
No way did I want to come back and have to deal with all this sh-- again. I really dreaded it. Not even my kid!- He's my wife's brother's kid who's living while his mom and dad are divorcing here because I let him live here!

I was absolutely at the end of my rope, and when my wife and I got into the taxi to go home tonite, I told her she needs to sit down with the kid and tell him the rules of the house.

She replied that his father has already gone over everything with him and told him if he doesn't shape up, he'll have to go. She said she's sick of this problem too, how it's come between us, how it's caused trouble for all of us. How it's not our problem, and if the kid isn't quiet and good, she'll call up his mother and tell her to come get him tomorrow.

So tonite when we got home, he greeted me and her and we all sat down to eat. He told my wife in Thai he's talked with his dad, who told him he's right at the point of being thrown out. Told him to go to bed by 9. An impossibility I think, and I don't give a ----, just want him to be QUIET by 9. And now it's 10 pm and he's been quiet as a mouse all evening.

Lesson I'm drawing here is these bad Thai kids, when they realize it's shape up or ship out time, they really can shape up. And the problem I see is that their mothers don't put boundaries on them and they know not to take any boundaries set by them seriously. I on the other hand, a falang who doesn't give a ---- about greng jai and would love to see him out of here, I guess he's learned to take me seriously.

Well we'll see how it goes, only been a few hours so far.

Post by **redwolf** » February 9, 2015, 10:56 pm

Sounds like it's turned out well so far, even though just a small amount of time passed over 1 night.

But my only post in this thread before noted it's time to 'see him off'.

Yet, as I drove down the street this morning, nearly getting run over as usual by other motorbike riders, smashed to bits by this and that delivery truck, almost clipping the back of this or that vehicle that refused to use it's turn signal or any other indicator, thinking "all these people care about is themselves, no surprise today's no different", -I think it can apply here as well.

See, junior knows he was out the door. But junior also knows it's freezing cold at night, and your house is a lot warmer than the ones he'd be sleeping in if he got the boot. How the internet signal's pretty good when he can use it. How the food supply's not half bad. How there might be, -and this isn't guaranteed but is *possible*, there might be, hot running water.

Junior's thinking about junior. These people do have a knack for thinking of themselves first when it all comes right down to it. Perhaps our culture is no different, perhaps we just manifest it in a less mysterious way.

Let's hope his self-serving trend of 'respect' lasts a long long duration. And that the adults in the situation keep the kid under control. Twould be a nice outcome in a land where things don't always go as hoped.

Good luck.

RW

Post by **milkman** » February 10, 2015, 9:27 am

Well, didn't last long. Around 10 rock music started playing softly from his room. (Wasn't his bedtime suppose to be 9?) By 1215, when I went to bed, it was louder. (Hasn't this kid ever heard of earphones? I wouldn't hear if he was listening to the music on earphones- and frankly, wouldn't care.) Plus he was laughing. (At what? I never laugh out loud anymore.) I'm going to tell my wife this morning. But just to be sure sure, I'll ask her to remind him once again about the absolutely silence after 9 rule (Could he possibly have forgotten? Did he think it was good enough he was quiet for a few hours?) Not sure what she'll do. Will she call her brother or his wife to tell them to remind him? Will she tell them to pick him up? I think this mixing of falang and Thai culture is confusing and not much to my liking.

Post by **jackspratt** » February 10, 2015, 9:33 am

I reckon if I was 15 again, no matter what culture, I would push back at being told I had to go to bed at 9.00pm.

I also don't expect it of my 15 year old step-son, whose house I share.