Consolidated Jokes

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 17, 2020, 8:17 pm

My Grandad had a gift;
He foresaw the sinking of the Titanic. He told everyone before it sailed that it would sink. No one would listen to him, even though he was shouting it from the rooftops ! It got so bad, in the end they had to throw him out of the cinema.



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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 18, 2020, 7:17 pm

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.

Peter Jones said, "And what's your idea"?

I replied, "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the ****** bag...

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 23, 2020, 11:09 am

EO6ujZaXUAAGi_d.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » January 25, 2020, 8:53 pm

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass
and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by pipadoo » January 26, 2020, 8:49 am

Probably me not too
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 26, 2020, 11:31 pm

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.
Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 27, 2020, 11:04 am

EPQlIpPVUAAJCYX.jpg
........... [-o< [-o<

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » January 28, 2020, 8:34 pm

A lady dies and goes to heaven.
She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.
A few seconds later, she hears another agonised scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly,
"It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomised!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 29, 2020, 12:37 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 29, 2020, 5:37 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 30, 2020, 11:00 am

83677541_2473251166250539_253721215871483904_n.jpg
... :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 30, 2020, 11:17 am

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...... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 2, 2020, 5:05 pm

A man walks up to a lass in a night club and says "Hi, the names Bond."

She says "Don't tell me - your first name's James?"

"No," he replies "it's Uni - I'm here to fill your crack."...

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 2, 2020, 5:20 pm

Attention...Vince Munday.......
EPwzcfeWsAEifXe.jpg

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