How to tell if you're still a farang

[wiking]

As a Thai who has spent some time abroad I consider myself able to evaluate whether a farang, (I use this term endearingly) has been properly assimilated into Thai society.

So I thought it might be useful to my many farang friends and readers to devise a simple test to help guide farang who may be wondering whether they have indeed successfully made the seamless transition into becoming a Thai.

Here is my simple test.

- You're a farang if you still comprehend satire and sarcasm and find it amusing. I have written about this in my previous articles, but for the benefit of touchy Thai readers who might find my sweeping generalisations offensive it is certainly not intended as such. Satire and sarcasm can land you in deep water so please exercise it with extreme caution.

- You're a farang if you still can't understand why Thai women marry Thai men. Most farang think Thai men are women-suppressing, self-aggrandising, backward-thinking, chain-smoking, whiskey-guzzling, time-wasting delinquents. Farang simply don't understand why a nice Thai girl would marry someone that is devoid of any endearing or redeeming qualities commonly found in many farang men.

Well, this might be news to you, but getting married in this country is often not about what the woman wants in a partner, but rather what her Thai parents deem acceptable as someone that's going to become their daughter's husband. Many Thai marriages are family affairs.

- You're a farang if you still think it is important to be punctual and get extremely irritated with Thais' nonchalant attitude towards tardiness.

Here is some sound advice when making an appointment. If you've got an appointment with a Thai at 5pm, add another 15 minutes.

If the meeting is on Friday, you'd better add 30 minutes.

If the person you're meeting is a Thai woman, you'd better add an hour. Now you've got the idea.

- You're a farang if you love Max, your golden retriever, more than you love your wife. The English are especially guilty of this.

The love that the English have for their dogs is world-famous. Only a fatal accident or an earthquake above seven on the Richter scale would prevent an Englishman from walking his dog once a day after supper.

Of course, Thais are also extremely fond of their canine friends. That is, until man's best friend _ in a few certain provinces _ provides their master with a cheap alternative to your Christmas turkey.

- You're a farang if you still can't appreciate gossiping, or have yet to master the technique.

Gossiping for Thais is more than pastime. Rumours and innuendos have become one of the foundations of our entire culture. The way that Thais behave socially has simply not kept up with the great strides we have made technologically or economically.

Essentially, we behave as though we are Hobbits of the Shire where everyone else's business is our own. Unfortunately our village mentality leads us to cherry-picking facts to accommodate prejudices. The truth in many cases is buried under a huge pile of putrid lies and comtemptible deceit.

- You're a farang if you still walk a Bangkok zebra crossing with total confidence passing vehicles will screech to a halt and allow you safe passage. Many farang have tried this but unfortunately not many have lived to tell their tale.

- You're a farang if you still think Red Bull has farang origins.

- You're a farang if after a few years of living in Thailand you still prefer using a fork rather than a spoon to eat rice.

- You're a farang if you still expect Thai politicians to resign over offences like committing adultery while in office. The resignation of someone like General Patraeus, a decorated war hero and the director of the Central Intelligence Agency over an admitted affair with his married biographer would be unheard of here.

Recently in the United Kingdom, government Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell had to hand in his resignation to the prime minister because he swore at a Downing Street police officer and called him a "pleb".

A few years before the Mitchell affair, the then-prime minister Gordon Brown of the previous Labour Government resigned as party leader after that little hiccup known as "losing a general election".

In Thailand we prefer our political and military leaders to be unshackled by high ethical and moral standards, unhindered by the demands of personal accountability and unburdened by the sense of shame that would make lesser men breakdown under the glare of public scrutiny.

- And lastly, you're a farang, if after living here for a decade your Thai is still only good enough to order chicken rice and iced tea.

However, for you uninspired farang who find it hard to learn Thai, look no further than His Excellency Mark Kent, the British Ambassador who gave a whole welcome speech in Thai at a lovely gathering held in the Ambassador's Residence which I attended recently.

For you Brits out there, now you know who to call for free Thai lessons!

[parrot]

In fairness to the author of the above article:
http://www.bangkokpost.com/opinion/opin ... l-a-farang
Writer: Songkran Grachangnetara

[rct]

Parrot, do you mean Wiking an esteemed member of Udonmap has a column in the Bangkok Post?

[pmc]

well at the end of the day we all are farangs, so why worry about.

[parrot]

[quote="rct"]Parrot, do you mean Wiking an esteemed member of Udonmap has a column in the Bangkok Post?[/quote]

No, simply meant that it'd be nice to give the author, Songkran Grachangnetara from the Bangkok Post, credit for what he wrote.

Adding to the list, I'd include:
You're still a falang if you find it strange that people give you invites to weddings/funerals at 5 P.M. on the day before the event.

You're definitely falang material if you attend a wedding or funeral in a suit/tie. You'll know when you've exhausted all your falang genes when you consider wearing jeans to the event, but only wear something better because your better half insisted you do so.

This one for bumper......you're still a falang if you think it's legal to turn right on red! You're definitely Thai if you think it's okay to turn right on red.

[KB_Texas]

Heh, guess I am guilty on most counts. About the only one I am not guilty of is the Red Bull origins and walking the dog, but then I am not a Brit.

KB

[downunder]

When you cannot work out Thai Logic

[stattointhailand]

- You're a farang if after a few years of living in Thailand you still prefer using a fork rather than a spoon to eat rice.


euughhh ........... bloomin' snobbish Bangkokite .........what happened to fingers ?

[joepai]

Well I am a 'farang' and proud of it - and very pleased I am not a Thai !

[jackspratt]

Well I am a 'farang' and proud of it - and very pleased I am not a Thai !

I can well imagine the feeling is mutual.

[akwoodworker]

Your still a farang if you can't be understood talking with a mouth full of food.

[KB_Texas]

When you cannot work out Thai Logic

That is because it is an oxymoron. There is no such thing as Thai logic...at least how we understand logic.

(with apologies to those Thai's who DO understand logic, wherever they may be)

KB

[stattointhailand]

You are still most definately a farang if you hit the brake instead of the accelerator when the lights change to amber 50 metres in front of you.
You are still a farang when you look at the odds on the Thai Lottery (or Black Lottery) and keep your money in your pocket.
You MUST still be a farang if you expect a Thai Insurance company to pay out on a claim without using every trick in the book (and many that haven't been written yet) to avoid it.
You must still be a farang if you expect your girlfriends mum and dad to be the same mum and dad she had when she was born.

[stattointhailand]

When you cannot work out Thai Logic

That is because it is an oxymoron. There is no such thing as Thai logic...at least how we understand logic.

(with apologies to those Thai's who DO understand logic, wherever they may be)

KB

Someone once told me computers were logical ........yeah like hitting the "Click here to begin" button when you are ready to stop .....I think I prefer the Thai logic

[Laan Yaa Mo]

The pale skin is a sure giveaway. There is no way any of us will be considered non-farang.

[stattointhailand]

The pale skin is a sure giveaway. There is no way any of us will be considered non-farang.

Hey man .... you'z not seen me afta i'z bin wokin in de cotton (sorry rice) fields all day

[stattointhailand]

Just been reminded ..... well it is raining, so no suprises statts has been off line due to a power cut.

You know you are still a farang when you think that the guy in charge of an electricity company that allows several HUNDRED power cuts in under 10 years at an estate about 5km from the centre of the city should have been removed from his job long ago

[FrazeeDK]

you know you're still a Farang when you still have a predilection to Thai girls with naturally brown skin versus the "Beauty Whitening Lotion", "Na kao keu pee", paper white complexion preferred by Thais and thoroughly acculturized foreigner....

[Laan Yaa Mo]

The pale skin is a sure giveaway. There is no way any of us will be considered non-farang.

Hey man .... you'z not seen me afta i'z bin wokin in de cotton (sorry rice) fields all day

That would defeat the purpose of being white. 555+

Do we have to sing 'Old Man River' while lifting and toting those bales of cotton...er...rice all day long?

[Khun Paul]

Tell that to the masses of ethnic minorities in Europe who have immigrated there and do not seem to be WHITE but they are farang.