Consolidated Joke Thread

Post your thoughts here if you are not sure where to post it!
User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 323
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby vidmaster » March 9, 2017, 10:38 am

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh",said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hilary Clinton’s clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a helicopter ."



User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 323
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby vidmaster » March 9, 2017, 10:43 am

Seriously
One Sunday, a typically happy weekend golfer came home from the course very late, and much the worse for the wear.
His wife greeted him at the door and questioned him. “Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?”
The husband wobbled around and slurred, “I had a bad round, sort of lost everything. You better pack some bags, I even lost you.”
The wife screamed, “How could you do that?”
The man replied, “It wasn’t easy. I had to miss three one-foot putts in the last four holes.”

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 7055
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby 747man » March 10, 2017, 3:04 pm

I used to go out with the girl who voices the Sat Nav....

When she left me, I didn't know which way to turn...

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 323
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby vidmaster » March 10, 2017, 8:11 pm

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it,” the nun said.
“When did you use this awful language?” the Mother Superior asked.
“Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee,” she explained.
“Is that when you cursed?”
“No, Mother Superior,” said the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the Mother Superior.
“Well, no,” said the nun. “As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet,” she said. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fu!#&%ing! putt, didn’t you?”

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 7055
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby 747man » March 12, 2017, 8:17 pm

C6t-g-FXUAAQarL.jpg

Lionheart
udonmap.com
Posts: 157
Joined: January 12, 2008, 8:32 pm
Location: Udonthani, formerly UK

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby Lionheart » March 13, 2017, 5:20 pm

> Allegedly, these are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow:
>
>
> 1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
>
> 2. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
>
> 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
>
> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
>
> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
>
> 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
>
> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
>
> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
>
> 9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
>
> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 60-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
>
> 11. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
>
> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
>
> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
>
> 14. The skin was moist and dry.
>
> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
>
> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
>
> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
>
> 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
>
> 19. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
>
> 20. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
>
> 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
>
> 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>
> 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
>
> 24. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
>

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 323
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby vidmaster » March 13, 2017, 7:52 pm

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it,” the nun said.
“When did you use this awful language?” the Mother Superior asked.
“Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee,” she explained.
“Is that when you cursed?”
“No, Mother Superior,” said the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the Mother Superior.
“Well, no,” said the nun. “As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet,” she said. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the f&£@ing putt, didn’t you?”

User avatar
Nigglyb
udonmap.com
Posts: 286
Joined: February 13, 2014, 5:00 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby Nigglyb » March 14, 2017, 4:18 am

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's lying. He's never been out of the garden!"
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

panmotor
udonmap.com
Posts: 192
Joined: April 4, 2016, 3:11 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby panmotor » March 14, 2017, 2:42 pm

Funny but the punch line isn't true though Niggly. I met that dog disguised as a falang in a bar in Udon

User avatar
Barney
udonmap.com
Posts: 2025
Joined: November 1, 2012, 5:51 am
Location: Outback of Nong Samrong Udon Thani

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby Barney » March 14, 2017, 2:59 pm

MMM
Attachments
IMG_2015.JPG
IMG_2015.JPG (65.05 KiB) Viewed 495 times

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 7055
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby 747man » March 14, 2017, 6:50 pm

Nigglyb wrote:A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's lying. He's never been out of the garden!"
........
The-dog-tells-me-you-are-on-drugs.jpg

Lionheart
udonmap.com
Posts: 157
Joined: January 12, 2008, 8:32 pm
Location: Udonthani, formerly UK

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby Lionheart » March 15, 2017, 8:39 am

Absolutely Priceless.





Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they (and online translations)can.
A friend went to Beijing and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
Absolutely Priceless.

User avatar
maxeboy
udonmap.com
Posts: 185
Joined: December 17, 2006, 2:43 pm
Location: Udon Thani
Contact:

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby maxeboy » March 15, 2017, 9:45 am

=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

I can't stop laughing!

Kind regards from

maxeboy
GreatDane born free taxed into slavery

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 323
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Let's laugh

Postby vidmaster » March 18, 2017, 8:07 am

Chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land, for £500."

The man thought about his options for a long time, then told the undertaker that he would like to have his wife shipped home.

The undertaker raised his eyebrows and asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend £500 ?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, Jesus Christ was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead . . . .

I'm sorry, but I simply can't afford to take that chance,"

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 323
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Postby vidmaster » March 19, 2017, 10:06 pm

One morning, a man approached the first tee only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.
After teeing off, they started off down the fairway, continuing their chat.
“What do you do?” the first man asked.
“I’m a salesman. What about you?”
“I’m a hitman for the mob,” replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the first guy started getting a little nervous and continued.
“Yeah. I’m the highest paid guy in the business. I’m the best.” He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high-powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, “In a subdivision just west of here.”
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked, “What color roof ya’ got?”
“Gray.”
Then he asked “What color siding?”
“Yellow.”
“You got a silver Toyota?”
“Yeah,” replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman’s equipment. “That’s my wife’s car.”
“That your red pickup next to it?”
“No.” the baffled golfer said, then he asked if he could look through the scope.
Looking through the sight, he said “Hell. That’s my buddy Jeff’s truck. What the hell is he doing there if I’m..?”
The hitman looked through the scope once more. “Your wife a blonde?”
“Yeah.”
“Your buddy got black hair?”
“Yeah!”
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you, but I think you’ve got a problem. They’re going at it like a couple of teenagers in there,” said the hitman.
“Problem?! They’re the ones who’ve got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!”
The hitman paused and said, “Sure, but it’ll cost you. Like I said, I’m the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot.”
“I don’t care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!”
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sight, taking careful aim.
Then he said, “You know what buddy? This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!”


Return to “Open Forum”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests