Consolidated Joke Thread

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Mex
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mex » June 9, 2017, 3:52 pm

Wallace walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier called out to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.”

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, Wallace intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his “barracks door.”

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?”

The lady, who was a bit sharper than the man, thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old Duffel bags
If it looks good..and smells good..go for it..

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vlad » June 10, 2017, 2:17 pm

Breaking News Two Muslims have used a speedboat to Ram the Thames Barrier police are saying this is the start of Ram A Dam.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » June 12, 2017, 7:27 am

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a


bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really
want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » June 19, 2017, 11:45 am

45 million dollars.jpg
45 million dollars found in a Nigerian flat. Seems the guy spent the last 15 years trying to give it away but nobody responded to his e mails =;

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » June 21, 2017, 8:06 am

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is...... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » July 9, 2017, 9:47 pm

Blonde walking down street with 2 Doberman dogs & meets a friend she's not seen for some time
Friend says they are nice dogs what do you call them
Blonde says Rolex & Timex
Friend asks why such names
Blonde says: because they are watchdogs of course

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Nigglyb
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Nigglyb » July 10, 2017, 12:53 am

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Faraday » July 10, 2017, 7:44 am

How do you milk sheep?

Release yet another iPhone.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Faraday » July 10, 2017, 7:53 am

A man and a girl are walking in the forest. The girl looks up at the man and says, "It sure is scary out here!", to which the man responds:

"You think you're scared. I have to walk back alone."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » July 11, 2017, 5:38 pm

Herb and Charlie, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of
a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Herb, "But we don't
have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and
announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

Herb shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a
'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said.
"We need the height and she gives us the length!"

Charlie and Herb are still working for the Government.

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » July 13, 2017, 3:38 pm

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 14, 2017, 9:40 pm

Several shoplifters detained today, including woman who stole a vibrator
Why do they do it - is it just for the buzz...

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 16, 2017, 7:53 pm

My Uncle has been diagnosed with a rare condition where he thinks he's an airport building. Relieved to discover it's not terminal

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » July 16, 2017, 7:58 pm

My uncle had a related condition. Thought he was an airplane. Was a real Fokker.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » July 17, 2017, 8:23 am

My Auntie was a shopaholic ......... went completely mad ..... she was Insanesburies

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