Consolidated Joke Thread

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bluejets
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by bluejets » April 13, 2018, 1:31 pm

Public boys school burns down so they are all ushered off to the local Catholic school.
Young nun walks in and catches them in a competition peeing up the wall in the toilets.
She then reports to the Mother Superior who asks " and what did you do"?
Young nun reports " I hit the roof".
Mother says" that's the way, don't let those public school mob put anything over on us".

bluejets
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by bluejets » April 13, 2018, 1:38 pm

Randy and Mandy are from the poorest part of town and decide for a change to go window shopping late on Saturday night.
Mandy sees a hat in the first shop and says" wow, I'd really like to get that hat".
So Randy picks up a rock and hurls it through the window and says" there ya go Mandy".

Next shop, same thing only a purse this time.

Next shop is a beaut necklace to which Mandy says" .......hang on hang on " says Randy " what ...do you think I'm made of rocks"?

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 14, 2018, 3:59 pm

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian, He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "nah, Not Brian, He was a terrific athlete, He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis, He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.
He died.

“I'm married to his widow."

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 16, 2018, 2:28 pm

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 19, 2018, 11:24 pm

Ah yah goes,3 rabbits having toasties,cheese&ham toasties,next day the same but the 3rd rabbit ham&egg toastie,next day same again 3rd rabbit bacon toastie,next day same again 3rd rabbit sausage toastie,next day only 2 rabbits!!3rd rabbit died of mixamatoasties😂😂that’s class xx

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LoongLee
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by LoongLee » April 20, 2018, 5:37 am

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

"We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O'Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O'Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O'Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
ลุงลี

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » April 21, 2018, 2:57 am

fella retires and buys himself a top of the range Merc takes it for
a run on the motorway. Does 90 then 100 then 110, notices police on his tail pushes up to 120 then 130, thinks to himself how stupid am I, slows down and stops for police. Policeman comes up to him and says, "It's your lucky day I'm just about to finish my shift for the weekend if you can give me a good excuse why you were speeding I'll let you off.?"
Guy says to him, " My wife ran off with a policeman about 10 years ago, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Copper says ok on your way sir."

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 23, 2018, 11:38 am

Johnny’s daddy is the principle of the school.

He saw his teacher leaving school.

Johnny: ”Hey miss where you going?”

Teacher: ”Home.”

Johnny: ”Can I come with You ??

Teacher: ” No!”

Johnny: ” I’m gonna tell my daddy!”

Teacher: ”Fine.”

They arrive at the teachers house…

Teacher: ”Johnny i’m going to take a shower.”

Johnny: ”Can I come ??



Teacher:”No!”

Johnny: ”I’m gonna tell my daddy.”

Teacher:”Fine.”

They are in the shower…

Johnny: ”Can I touch your belly button?”

Teacher: ”No.”

Johnny: ”I’m gonna tell my daddy.”

Teacher: ”Fine.”

Teacher: ”Errr… Johnny thats not my belly button!”

Johnny: ” That's not my finger.”

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 24, 2018, 11:29 am

Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having s.x with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say “Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet.”

The man get in the closet and little Johnny says: “Dark in here isn’t it?”

The man is startled but then calms down. “Yes it is.”

“Do you want to buy my baseball glove?”

“No.”

“I could go to my dad.”

“Fine. How much? ”

“200$”

“Fine. ”

This happens again later in the week.

“Dark in here isn’t it?”



“Yes, yes it is.”

“Do you want to buy my baseball bat?”

“How much?”

“300$”

A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat.

“I can’t. I sold them to my friends.”

“For how much?”

“500$”

“That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession.”

They get to the church and little Johnny gets in the booth.

“Dark in here, isn’t it?”

The reverend says: “Don’t start that Crap again. Your in MY closet now.”

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UdonExpat
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by UdonExpat » May 3, 2018, 10:46 am

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.


Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer and then maybe a nap.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 3, 2018, 8:06 pm

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vlad
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vlad » May 3, 2018, 10:43 pm

Where is Pakistan my mate asked, i said i think he has gone to Asda.

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neeemu
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by neeemu » May 4, 2018, 12:37 pm

vlad wrote:
May 3, 2018, 10:43 pm
Where is Pakistan my mate asked, i said i think he has gone to Asda.
Think you're about 2 decades late with that type of joke and it wasn't funny then.

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » May 4, 2018, 12:51 pm

neeemu wrote:
May 4, 2018, 12:37 pm
vlad wrote:
May 3, 2018, 10:43 pm
Where is Pakistan my mate asked, i said i think he has gone to Asda.
Think you're about 2 decades late with that type of joke and it wasn't funny then.

Everyone knew the corner shop supplies came from Makro not Asda [-X [-X [-X

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 4, 2018, 2:05 pm

Do you like this one
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