Consolidated Joke Thread

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 10, 2018, 1:16 pm

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a
loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."



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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 11, 2018, 12:15 am

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by tinpeeba » May 11, 2018, 2:33 am

The Duchess returned to the Manor one evening and encountered her butler in her boudoir. She looked the butler straight in the eye and said:
“James, take off my dress.” James took off her dress.
“James, take off my petticoat.” James took off her petticoat.
“James, take off my bra.” James took off her bra.
“James, take off my panties.” James took off her panties. The Duchess turned, faced her butler again and in a soft but firm voice said:
“Now then, James, never let me catch you wearing my clothes again.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 13, 2018, 4:05 am

A woman had a son but he only had a head,
he said to his mom I wish I had a body so I could play football with my friends. "His mother replied I will wish for it and you never know"
The next morning he ran down the stairs and said "mom I now have a body and head but wish I had arms".
To which his mother repeated what she said the day before. Next morning the little boy ran down the stairs and he said "mom I only need legs and I can play football".
Next morning he ran down the stairs out the front door and bang,he was knocked over by a bus and died.
The moral of this story is quit whilst you're a head.😩😳🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 13, 2018, 12:31 pm

DWXz7abU8AAXDzF.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 15, 2018, 6:02 pm

555 !! Is Right Laaaddd,Is RIGHT......
DdEQaBOX0AEZOeE.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 17, 2018, 7:34 pm

Can't Win The Premiership Themselves So Lets go & celebrate someone else's.....
32579355_1750533034983584_3708126479620505600_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 17, 2018, 7:36 pm

Spot The Mistake ??
DdVZMqOW0AAsFWE.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 17, 2018, 7:38 pm

And Another One.....From the Deludes....
DdVZMqKWAAIfhGS.jpg
Zoom In on the DATE...

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Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2018, 12:23 pm

One day a woman was working at a sperm bank when an armed and masked robber bursts in demanding money.

The woman has no money and says: “sir you do realize this is a sperm bank right?”

The man replies: “fine then take me to where you keep the sperm or I will shoot you”

The girl directs him to the vault and the man says: “I want you to drink one.”

Reluctantly the women drinks the sperm and the man says: “drink another one”, so she does after she’s done the man pulls off his mask and says: “see honey it’s not that hard”.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2018, 8:40 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 25, 2018, 11:26 am

A white guy woke up in a cell with an asian man and a black man. None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, “If all of your d*ck lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I’ll let you all go. If not, I’ll kill you all.”

All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their d*cks together, the white guy had 4 inches, the black guy had 6 inches and the Asian guy had 2 inches.

The man then let them go. As they were leaving the cell, the white guy said: “You guys are lucky I’m white.”

The black said: “No way! You guys are lucky I’m black!”

And then the Asian guy yelled: “You guys are lucky I had a boner!”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 26, 2018, 2:15 am

There are some rather grubby jokes going around Nong Khai this month.
Lock 'em up - Eastman, Giuliani, Senator Graham, Meadows and Trump

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 26, 2018, 2:18 am

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage.
The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.
Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Nigglyb » May 26, 2018, 4:39 am

I asked a sexy Chinese girl for her number
She replied, “se x, se x, se x, free se x tonight”
I said, “wow”, then her friend said, “she meant 6663629”
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 26, 2018, 4:48 am

Henry was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.
When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'
The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 26, 2018, 7:07 am

It seems the Udon jokes are less grubby. Well, for now.
Lock 'em up - Eastman, Giuliani, Senator Graham, Meadows and Trump

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 26, 2018, 7:17 am

This one must have done the rounds in Nong Khai:

"Alan's neighbour, Somchai, and Somchai's wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Somchai says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge 1,000 baht. If you got a question, I’ll be around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a young Everton supporter walks by and asks, “How much?” She says, “1,000 baht.” He says, “All I got is 300”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Somchai and asks, “What can he get for 300?”

“A hand job”, Somchai replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for 300 baht is a hand job. He agrees. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Somchai, and asks, “Can you loan this guy 700 baht?”"
Lock 'em up - Eastman, Giuliani, Senator Graham, Meadows and Trump

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 26, 2018, 7:45 am

An oldie but goodie:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Lock 'em up - Eastman, Giuliani, Senator Graham, Meadows and Trump

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 26, 2018, 11:32 am

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