Consolidated Jokes

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » January 12, 2019, 2:31 pm

Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed,my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. Ur tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2.Ur dog has ringworm. Giv it antibiotics. 3.Ur daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4.Ur wife is Xpecting twins. Not urs. Get a lawyer. 5.If u keep playing with yourself, ur fuckin elbow wont get better! Thank u for shopping at Tesco



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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 12, 2019, 2:39 pm

Finding a woman in tears along side her car a soldier passing by asked what is the problem
The woman explained that she has lost her car keys and cannot open the car door
So the soldier immediately removed his trousers,rolls them up into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door and it immediately opens“
The woman was amazed and asks how did you do that?
He said I t’s easy, these are my khakis 😳😩🧐😜🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😳😳🤣🤣🤣

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 12, 2019, 7:05 pm

50273960_2080075148745901_8182808680597553152_n.jpg

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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Drunk Monkey » January 12, 2019, 8:25 pm

747man wrote:
January 10, 2019, 6:59 pm
DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg
747 ... must say

THATS THE BEST IVE HEARD / READ IN AGES ..10 out 10 young Alan :D

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 12, 2019, 9:40 pm

Drunk Monkey wrote:
January 12, 2019, 8:25 pm
747man wrote:
January 10, 2019, 6:59 pm
DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg
747 ... must say

THATS THE BEST IVE HEARD / READ IN AGES ..10 out 10 young Alan :D
Errrrrrrrrrrr,I Hope that's not Sarcasm,Jon Boy.... :shock: :shock:

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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Drunk Monkey » January 12, 2019, 9:50 pm

747man wrote:
January 12, 2019, 9:40 pm
Drunk Monkey wrote:
January 12, 2019, 8:25 pm
747man wrote:
January 10, 2019, 6:59 pm
DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg
747 ... must say

THATS THE BEST IVE HEARD / READ IN AGES ..10 out 10 young Alan :D
Errrrrrrrrrrr,I Hope that's not Sarcasm,Jon Boy.... :shock: :shock:
no mate .. mean truly from the heart of my bottom .

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » January 13, 2019, 10:23 am

I wouldn't say that people are thick in SW2, but when I got my first mortgage there I stopped a bloke on the street and asked if there was a B&Q in Brixton. "Lemme see" he said "B-R-I-X..."

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 13, 2019, 5:49 pm

I phoned an old school friend the other day and asked him what he was doing
He said he was working on Aqua thermal treatment of ceramics,aluminum and steel in a constrained environment
I was very impressed
However on further inquiry he explained he was doing the washing up under his wife’s supervision😩😩😩😩🧐🧐🧐🧐🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » January 15, 2019, 10:44 am

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, “Friend, for your age you’re in the best shape I’ve seen.”
The old feller replied, “Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life.”
The doctor asked, “What makes you say that?”
The old man replied, “If I didn’t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.”
The doc was concerned. “You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?”
“Yep,” the old man said, “Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me.”
Well, the doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
“I just want you to know,” the doctor said “Your husband’s in fine physical shape but I’m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”
“Aha!” she exclaimed. “So he’s the one who’s been peeing’ in the refrigerator!”

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 15, 2019, 12:28 pm

yes we have Reservations but we will eat here anyway”
It’s what I say to the receptionist that greets us and asks if we have a reservation at their restaurant 😳🤓😜🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😩😩😩

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 15, 2019, 3:06 pm

This could happen
Attachments
D734C5C4-0C47-4638-918E-2E94C26C5BF0.jpeg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 16, 2019, 7:50 pm

This one for Taxi 7/11........
Dw9l4DuWoAEc0MW.jpg
.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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dezzer111
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by dezzer111 » January 16, 2019, 9:17 pm

747man wrote:
January 16, 2019, 7:50 pm
This one for Taxi 7/11........Dw9l4DuWoAEc0MW.jpg.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
Was​ it​ mothers​ pride bread?
"You'll Never Walk Alone"L.F.C.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 16, 2019, 9:43 pm

dezzer111 wrote:
January 16, 2019, 9:17 pm
747man wrote:
January 16, 2019, 7:50 pm
This one for Taxi 7/11........Dw9l4DuWoAEc0MW.jpg.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
Was​ it​ mothers​ pride bread?
Maybe " Mummy's Boy Bread " Dezz..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » January 16, 2019, 9:53 pm

What no comment about Hovis ? Dumb Dumb Dumb de Dumb :lol:

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 16, 2019, 10:07 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
January 16, 2019, 9:53 pm
What no comment about Hovis ? Dumb Dumb Dumb de Dumb :lol:
No Because it was WHITE Bread !!

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 17, 2019, 3:53 pm

DxGU-s_XQAAkB_L.jpg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 17, 2019, 3:57 pm

Tony Blair & Owen Jones having a drink in a pub next to a dog.
Bloke walks in and lifts up the tail of the dog. Barman says “what you doing?”.
Bloke replies, “Well I couldn’t believe it, somebody said there’s a dog in that pub with two rseholes!”

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 17, 2019, 8:06 pm

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 17, 2019, 9:07 pm

My grandad crossed a pigeon with a woodpecker and not only could it deliver the mail it could also knock on the door😌😊😳🤓🤓🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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