Consolidated Joke Thread

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » January 9, 2019, 9:24 pm

The bloke who invented dog biscuits passed away the other day.

'e woz a good boy. Yes, 'e woz.



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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 10, 2019, 6:59 pm

DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 10, 2019, 10:25 pm

DwgCD84WkAEUt_U.jpg

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 11, 2019, 6:50 am

Apparently Julie Andrews stopped advertising Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick as she said it breaks too easily and made her breath smell
In a statement she said
“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis “😳😩🤓🧐🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 11, 2019, 10:44 am

vidmaster wrote:
January 11, 2019, 6:50 am
Apparently Julie Andrews stopped advertising Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick as she said it breaks too easily and made her breath smell
In a statement she said
“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis “😳😩🤓🧐🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Oh Dear !! Don't give the day job up,Just Yet ...... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 11, 2019, 11:09 am

Too late I gave it up 18 years ago😎😎😎😎😎😎

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » January 12, 2019, 2:31 pm

Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed,my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. Ur tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2.Ur dog has ringworm. Giv it antibiotics. 3.Ur daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4.Ur wife is Xpecting twins. Not urs. Get a lawyer. 5.If u keep playing with yourself, ur darn elbow wont get better! Thank u for shopping at Tesco

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 12, 2019, 2:39 pm

Finding a woman in tears along side her car a soldier passing by asked what is the problem
The woman explained that she has lost her car keys and cannot open the car door
So the soldier immediately removed his trousers,rolls them up into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door and it immediately opens“
The woman was amazed and asks how did you do that?
He said I t’s easy, these are my khakis 😳😩🧐😜🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😳😳🤣🤣🤣

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 12, 2019, 7:05 pm

50273960_2080075148745901_8182808680597553152_n.jpg

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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Drunk Monkey » January 12, 2019, 8:25 pm

747man wrote:
January 10, 2019, 6:59 pm
DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg
747 ... must say

THATS THE BEST IVE HEARD / READ IN AGES ..10 out 10 young Alan :D
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 12, 2019, 9:40 pm

Drunk Monkey wrote:
January 12, 2019, 8:25 pm
747man wrote:
January 10, 2019, 6:59 pm
DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg
747 ... must say

THATS THE BEST IVE HEARD / READ IN AGES ..10 out 10 young Alan :D
Errrrrrrrrrrr,I Hope that's not Sarcasm,Jon Boy.... :shock: :shock:

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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Drunk Monkey » January 12, 2019, 9:50 pm

747man wrote:
January 12, 2019, 9:40 pm
Drunk Monkey wrote:
January 12, 2019, 8:25 pm
747man wrote:
January 10, 2019, 6:59 pm
DwfKzEtWkAI5pix.jpg
747 ... must say

THATS THE BEST IVE HEARD / READ IN AGES ..10 out 10 young Alan :D
Errrrrrrrrrrr,I Hope that's not Sarcasm,Jon Boy.... :shock: :shock:
no mate .. mean truly from the heart of my bottom .
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » January 13, 2019, 10:23 am

I wouldn't say that people are thick in SW2, but when I got my first mortgage there I stopped a bloke on the street and asked if there was a B&Q in Brixton. "Lemme see" he said "B-R-I-X..."

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 13, 2019, 5:49 pm

I phoned an old school friend the other day and asked him what he was doing
He said he was working on Aqua thermal treatment of ceramics,aluminum and steel in a constrained environment
I was very impressed
However on further inquiry he explained he was doing the washing up under his wife’s supervision😩😩😩😩🧐🧐🧐🧐🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » January 15, 2019, 10:44 am

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, “Friend, for your age you’re in the best shape I’ve seen.”
The old feller replied, “Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life.”
The doctor asked, “What makes you say that?”
The old man replied, “If I didn’t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.”
The doc was concerned. “You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?”
“Yep,” the old man said, “Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me.”
Well, the doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
“I just want you to know,” the doctor said “Your husband’s in fine physical shape but I’m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”
“Aha!” she exclaimed. “So he’s the one who’s been peeing’ in the refrigerator!”

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 15, 2019, 12:28 pm

yes we have Reservations but we will eat here anyway”
It’s what I say to the receptionist that greets us and asks if we have a reservation at their restaurant 😳🤓😜🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😩😩😩

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 15, 2019, 3:06 pm

This could happen
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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 16, 2019, 7:50 pm

This one for Taxi 7/11........
Dw9l4DuWoAEc0MW.jpg
.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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dezzer111
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by dezzer111 » January 16, 2019, 9:17 pm

747man wrote:
January 16, 2019, 7:50 pm
This one for Taxi 7/11........Dw9l4DuWoAEc0MW.jpg.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
Was​ it​ mothers​ pride bread?
"You'll Never Walk Alone"L.F.C.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 16, 2019, 9:43 pm

dezzer111 wrote:
January 16, 2019, 9:17 pm
747man wrote:
January 16, 2019, 7:50 pm
This one for Taxi 7/11........Dw9l4DuWoAEc0MW.jpg.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
Was​ it​ mothers​ pride bread?
Maybe " Mummy's Boy Bread " Dezz..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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