Consolidated Joke Thread

[vidmaster]

Great one

[747man]

Friends of mine are organising a joint celebration for Burns Night and Chinese New Year and calling it Chinese Burns Night.

I wasn't keen but they twisted my arm!

[AlexO]

Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the Police woman she looked stunning.
Then I messed up by saying, "And that's not the drink talking either."

[AlexO]

Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the Police woman she looked stunning.
Then I messed up by saying, "And that's not the drink talking either."

[vidmaster]

What is the tallest building in the world
The library because it has the most stories🧐

[stattointhailand]

That would be an American library coz their "Ground" floor is called the "First" floor, their "First" floor is called the "Second" floor etc etc

[747man]

Probably The WRONG Thread......But True Anyway....

[AlexO]

These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a low tolerance threshold for cretins….
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…. Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first..........

[vidmaster]

You come from dust
You will return to dust
That’s why I do not dust as it might be someone I knew🧐🧐🧐

[stattointhailand]

Couldnt think of a better place for this ....... especially seeing as Lukaku Failed his fitness test .........

BENITEZ EYES MORE SIGNINGS

Newcastle manager Rafa Benitez hopes to bring in three further signings at Newcastle after wrapping up a loan deal for Lazio defender Jordan Lukaku, according to the Newcastle Chronicle.

Fans of the club were dismayed at a lack of transfer action in the summer, but Benitez now wants to strengthen the club as they look to avoid relegation from the Premier League.

[747man]

[747man]

Couldnt think of a better place for this ....... especially seeing as Lukaku Failed his fitness test .........

BENITEZ EYES MORE SIGNINGS

Newcastle manager Rafa Benitez hopes to bring in three further signings at Newcastle after wrapping up a loan deal for Lazio defender Jordan Lukaku, according to the Newcastle Chronicle.

Fans of the club were dismayed at a lack of transfer action in the summer, but Benitez now wants to strengthen the club as they look to avoid relegation from the Premier League.

Ooooppppsss !! Now if it had of Been Romelu He'd of Failed it as well.....

[747man]

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.

[747man]

My Mother in Law suffers from restless legs syndrome

I told her to walk six miles a day.

Will it cure it? she asked

I Told Her I Didn't Know, but by the end of the week you'll be forty two miles away

[747man]

[vidmaster]

Old’un but worth a repeat

[747man]

Doctor: “I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?”

Patient: “Do begin with the bad news, please.”

Doctor: “Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.”

Patient: “Good grief! What’s the good news?”

Doctor: “The good news is that there is no more bad news!”

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]