Consolidated Jokes

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » February 12, 2019, 7:28 am

Could be true
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Astana
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Astana » February 12, 2019, 1:27 pm

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients...

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name...

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS...!!!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 13, 2019, 10:36 am

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”

The mother replies “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”

“You’re wasting your time,” said the boy.

“Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled.

“Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 13, 2019, 1:28 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 13, 2019, 1:44 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 13, 2019, 7:19 pm

DzSLcl7WkAIK_NY.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 13, 2019, 9:37 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 14, 2019, 9:31 am

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day, the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son’s choice and couldn’t wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don’t you seem happy with her? Mom likes her a lot?”

The father explained, “No son, there’s nothing wrong with the girl. It’s just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you’ve been dating is my daughter by that woman.”

So, the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother’s delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, “Don’t listen to him, sweetheart! He isn’t even your father!?”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 14, 2019, 10:25 am

What's the difference between a £15 steak and a £30 steak?

14th February.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 14, 2019, 7:18 pm

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, “Hey honey, you’re getting fat. Your butt is huge. I’ll bet it’s as wide as the gas grill.”

Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife’s butt.

“Yep” he said, “just what I thought, just about the same size.”

The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?”

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

She replied, “You don’t think I’m going to fire up this big ass grill for one little Sausage, do you!?”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 14, 2019, 11:27 pm

Anfield......
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 15, 2019, 10:31 am

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says, “Mommy, Mommy! I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others’ clothes and laid down on the bed.”

The mother interrupts him, “Stop right there! Wait ’till daddy comes home!”

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says, “I’m leaving you.”

The father, bewildered, slowly asks, “Why? What did I do?”

The mother turns to Johnny and says, “Tell daddy exactly what you told me today!”

“I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other’s clothes off and laid down on the bed…just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer!”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 15, 2019, 11:13 am

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: “Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?”

God: “So you will always want to look at her.”

Adam: “Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?”

God: “So you will always want to touch her.”

Adam: “She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?”

God: “So you will always want to be near her.”

Adam: “That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?”

God: “So she would love you!”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 15, 2019, 1:09 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » February 15, 2019, 5:51 pm

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