Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."
Re: Consolidated Jokes
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour.
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour.
-
Stantheman
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1488
- Joined: February 9, 2009, 3:33 am
- Location: USA (For Now)
Re: Consolidated Jokes
You should have asked for Fu individual the waiter
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the Ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a
duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is
to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps
accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any Ducks.
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long Eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of Eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.'
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the Ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a
duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is
to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps
accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any Ducks.
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long Eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of Eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.'
-
Stantheman
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1488
- Joined: February 9, 2009, 3:33 am
- Location: USA (For Now)
Re: Consolidated Jokes
The Goalkeeper......
A soccer goalkeeper was walking along the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby.
“Help! Help!” screamed the woman, “I need someone to catch my baby!”
A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then the goalkeeper, stepped forward.
“I’m a professional goalkeeper” he called to the woman, “I’m renowned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball.”
The woman agreed: “Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball.”
On count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as the goalkeeper lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as the goalkeeper caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down the street!
A soccer goalkeeper was walking along the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby.
“Help! Help!” screamed the woman, “I need someone to catch my baby!”
A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then the goalkeeper, stepped forward.
“I’m a professional goalkeeper” he called to the woman, “I’m renowned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball.”
The woman agreed: “Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball.”
On count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as the goalkeeper lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as the goalkeeper caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down the street!