Consolidated Jokes

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » April 24, 2019, 6:26 pm

Guy is stopped by customs at the airport carrying two large bulky sacks over his shoulder.
They search the sacks and find loads of mobile phones in them.
They ask him why does he have all these phones, and Guy replies, "Well, I was travelling in America and got a call from my friend back in London.
He told me he's starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxaphones."🧐🤓😳🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣



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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » April 25, 2019, 11:46 am

D4-O-VTWkAE5tJr.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » April 25, 2019, 1:15 pm

A doctor got sacked from the Dermatology Clinic for misdiagnosing shingles...

Which I thought was a little rash🤓🧐😕😳😩😩🤣🤣🤣👍

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » April 25, 2019, 11:35 pm

D5AwALxXkAUFb3j.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » April 26, 2019, 12:05 am

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » April 26, 2019, 12:59 pm

D5Dq4m0UcAAlfvx.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » April 26, 2019, 3:37 pm

D5A-ctQWAAExsFO.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » April 27, 2019, 1:36 am

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
I'M LIVID😩😩😩🤓🤓🤓🧐🧐🧐😎😎😎

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » April 30, 2019, 8:55 pm

D5Z9eQFWkAAJ94U.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » April 30, 2019, 9:41 pm

D5aGTVtWsAAoTSj.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » April 30, 2019, 11:21 pm

Well it was a good day on Sunday and the London Marathon
Last year I managed a respectable 3 hours 32 mins and 9 seconds
I was very pleased to beat that this year as I didn’t get bored until I turned over to watch the golf😳😩🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🧐🧐🧐🧐🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by neeemu » May 1, 2019, 1:12 am

747man wrote:
April 30, 2019, 9:41 pm
D5aGTVtWsAAoTSj.jpg
If that picture is related then the gynecologist is very thorough... or male.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 1, 2019, 2:06 am

Or lesbian

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 2, 2019, 11:18 am

-Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....🤠

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 2, 2019, 2:05 pm

I went to identify my wife’s body at the mortuary
A policeman asked me if I was absolutely sure it’s her.
Yes I said, she’s cold, rigid and she’s not talking to me.
It’s definitely her🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 2, 2019, 10:49 pm

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 3, 2019, 12:22 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » May 4, 2019, 4:05 am

Punchline 1 of 2

A woman’s sex life is going nowhere, so she goes to see her doctor.

After a few well-placed questions, the doctor realises that some spice just needs to be added, so he recommends that the woman buy some crotchless knickers.

The husband gets home, quietly eats the lovely dinner waiting for him, and as usual slobs out on his armchair reading his newspaper.

The woman seizes the opportunity, dons her crotchless knickers and sits on the settee opposite playing with herself.

After 30 mins or so, the husband looks over the top of his newspaper and says “Are they crotchless knickers?”

“Yeah, they are” breathes the woman lustily.

“Thank goodness for that!” exclaims the husband, “For a minute, I thought the settee had burst!”

Punchline 2 of 2

That night, as usual the husband gets into bed with his pyjamas on, lays with his back to the woman and starts going to sleep.

The woman seizes the opportunity, dons her crotchless knickers, and starts playing with herself, coming on to her husband.

“What are you doing?” demands the husband after a few minutes.

“Do you fancy a bit of this?” asks the woman, sexily.

“You’ve got to be joking!” exclaims the husband “Look at what it’s done to your knickers!”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 4, 2019, 5:11 am

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, one older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then he turned to the young man and said ......

"Alright. Get in."😳🧐😩🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 4, 2019, 5:26 am

Snotty Receptionist Yesterday :
I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice i replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DO NOT MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!...

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