Consolidated Jokes

General Udon Thani topics only!
TheSportsBar
udonmap.com
Posts: 292
Joined: December 7, 2016, 4:42 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by TheSportsBar » March 16, 2019, 10:08 am

If you leave me Can I come to - by Metal as Anything.........The Paddys may be singing this one to their Neighbors over the Water

User avatar
Barney
udonmap.com
Posts: 2752
Joined: November 1, 2012, 5:51 am
Location: Outback of Nong Samrong Udon Thani

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Barney » March 17, 2019, 12:21 pm

Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 734
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » March 17, 2019, 2:01 pm

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?

'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.

I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....... ..

That was me.......😌😌😌😌😌😌

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9654
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » March 18, 2019, 10:23 pm

53865566_2061069490676796_3870087106487386112_n.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9654
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » March 19, 2019, 11:51 am

My wifes been missing for a week. The police said prepare for the worst.

So I went to the charity shop and bought all her clothes back.

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 362
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » March 22, 2019, 7:04 am

A Labour Politician, a BBC TV Reporter and a British SAS Soldier were captured by ISIS.
They were, as usual, sentenced to Death by Beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS Leader said they could each have One Last Request before Sentence was carried out..??
The Labour Politician asked to hear a rendering of ‘Keep the Red Flag Flying Here’.
The BBC TV Reporter asked that the Beheading be Televised so that even when she was Dead, her face would still be on TV.
The British SAS Trooper asked to be Kicked Three Times in the Arse. HARD..
As the SAS Trooper's was such an unusual request ISIS decided to carry his out Request first.
And as the last kick landed, the SAS Trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm Glock Pistol out of his Smock, shot three Terrorists Dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and Shot Dead the rest of the Terrorists.
The other Two Prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be KICKED three times before drawing his Weapon..???
"Because", said the SAS Trooper,
“When we get back to the UK. I don’t want you f@cking Pair of Politically Correct Clowns, saying it was an "Unprovoked Attack”..
Welcome to today's, UK Political Climate. Have a nice day!

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 362
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » March 22, 2019, 7:08 am

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9654
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » March 22, 2019, 11:52 am

D2NA2i1X0AE7aKI.jpg

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 362
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » March 23, 2019, 1:46 am

Letter "R"
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ....CELEBRATE!"

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 734
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » March 23, 2019, 10:09 am

Could happen
Attachments
131F8786-2A54-4C15-9C58-F45D3B48B885.jpeg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9654
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » March 23, 2019, 11:34 am

54518635_599467527130107_6079466644881539072_n.jpg

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 362
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » March 24, 2019, 4:10 pm

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give into his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.....No wait.....I'm thinking of Beer, it's f@cking Beer that does that!

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9654
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » March 26, 2019, 12:17 pm

54523911_122379645587694_7986087362985721856_n.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9654
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » March 27, 2019, 3:02 pm

54434942_583978132120258_3890502662298271744_n.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9654
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » March 27, 2019, 10:20 pm

41656749_1018273878332243_4288886038920691712_n.jpg

Post Reply

Return to “General Udon Thani Forum”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests