Consolidated Jokes

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 7, 2019, 3:05 pm

A homeless man is travelling down a country lane. Tired and hungry he comes across a pub called
the *"George & the Dragon”*.
Although it's late and the pub is closed he knocks on the door.
The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out of a window.
"Could I have some food?" he asks.
The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"
"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"
"No!" she says again.
"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"
"No!", by this time, she was shouting.
The down-and-out says, "OK Then may I please...?"
"May I what now?" the woman shouts impatiently.
*"May I please have a word with ...... George!!.



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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 9, 2019, 8:43 am

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisper's to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tinpeeba » October 13, 2019, 2:24 am

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies "My wife."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by TJ » October 14, 2019, 6:57 am

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » October 14, 2019, 9:22 am

My wife said "I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity.!

I said "just throw them out."

She replied "there are a lot of starving people on Win a Dinner that could benefit from them.

I replied "anyone that fits your clothes is definitely not starving" .............. and now she is not speaking to me!

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 14, 2019, 11:48 pm

My wife said she's leaving because I'm obsessed with supermarkets...

"Do you want any help with your packing?" I said.

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tamada
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tamada » October 19, 2019, 12:52 pm

A Scotsman walks into a bar and orders a drink. Usually there is an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman involved in this joke... but they are all still in Japan.

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » October 20, 2019, 6:29 am

There was a bit of confusion at Asda this morning.

Got my card out to pay for my groceries and the cashier said, 'Strip down facing me.'

Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the excessive security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.😌😩🤓🥴😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 23, 2019, 3:18 pm

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 23, 2019, 3:53 pm

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tamada
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tamada » October 24, 2019, 11:15 am

tamada wrote:
October 19, 2019, 12:52 pm
A Scotsman walks into a bar and orders a drink. Usually there is an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman involved in this joke... but they are all still in Japan.
So, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a bar...

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 24, 2019, 2:12 pm

PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Jeremy Corbyn stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're getting older. It's so important at our age!!

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 25, 2019, 11:29 am

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 27, 2019, 12:05 am

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
'How does that feel' she asked?
"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » October 28, 2019, 8:05 am

1.You'll be delighted to know that alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean: against tables, chairs, floors, walls and people.
2. Remember, an alcoholic and a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
6. Booze is the answer, but I don't remember the question.

3.Richard comes home from a night of drinking. As he stumbles through the front door, his wife snaps at him, 'What's the big idea coming home half drunk?'
He replies, slurring, 'I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money.'
4.Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
5.An amnesiac walks into an inn and asks the barman, 'Do I come here often?'
🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴

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tamada
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tamada » October 28, 2019, 8:54 am

tamada wrote:
October 24, 2019, 11:15 am
tamada wrote:
October 19, 2019, 12:52 pm
A Scotsman walks into a bar and orders a drink. Usually there is an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman involved in this joke... but they are all still in Japan.
So, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a bar...
So, a Scotsman an Irishman and a Welshman are in a bar when a Kiwi walks in...

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » October 28, 2019, 9:05 am

tamada wrote:
October 28, 2019, 8:54 am
tamada wrote:
October 24, 2019, 11:15 am
tamada wrote:
October 19, 2019, 12:52 pm
A Scotsman walks into a bar and orders a drink. Usually there is an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman involved in this joke... but they are all still in Japan.
So, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a bar...
So, a Scotsman an Irishman and a Welshman are in a bar when a Kiwi walks in...
That would be a FIRST :-k

Whoever heard of a Scotsman being FIRST in a Bar ...... first to the door maybe, but he will always be last to the bar :lol:

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 30, 2019, 6:26 pm

Corbyn & Abbot !!!
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EIHsvHLXUAE875M.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 31, 2019, 5:35 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 31, 2019, 6:18 pm

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