Consolidated Jokes

Post your thoughts here if you are not sure where to post it!
Post Reply
User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 848
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » December 24, 2019, 4:14 pm

Topical
Attachments
3CF37F37-D8AA-441F-B781-C496BF2845A0.jpeg
3CF37F37-D8AA-441F-B781-C496BF2845A0.jpeg (31.7 KiB) Viewed 1146 times



jackspratt
udonmap.com
Posts: 10737
Joined: July 2, 2006, 5:29 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by jackspratt » December 24, 2019, 4:34 pm

FMD - we've got different "Consolidated Jokes" threads on two different forums, and both started by the same OP. :shock:

Now that is funny.

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10166
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » December 24, 2019, 5:47 pm

jackspratt wrote:
December 24, 2019, 4:34 pm
FMD - we've got different "Consolidated Jokes" threads on two different forums, and both started by the same OP. :shock:

Now that is funny.
It's Meant to be FUNNY Jack,It's CONSOLIDATED JOKES !! :lol: :lol:

User avatar
Udon Map
Admin
Posts: 1598
Joined: July 31, 2013, 7:57 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Udon Map » December 24, 2019, 6:01 pm

747man wrote:
December 24, 2019, 5:47 pm
jackspratt wrote:
December 24, 2019, 4:34 pm
FMD - we've got different "Consolidated Jokes" threads on two different forums, and both started by the same OP. :shock:

Now that is funny.
It's Meant to be FUNNY Jack,It's CONSOLIDATED JOKES !! :lol: :lol:
Thanks for pointing that out, gentlemen. The joke threads are now consolidated here, where they belong.

User avatar
Barney
udonmap.com
Posts: 3045
Joined: November 1, 2012, 5:51 am
Location: Outback of Nong Samrong Udon Thani

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Barney » December 24, 2019, 7:04 pm

Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

jackspratt
udonmap.com
Posts: 10737
Joined: July 2, 2006, 5:29 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by jackspratt » December 24, 2019, 10:42 pm

747man wrote:
December 24, 2019, 5:47 pm
jackspratt wrote:
December 24, 2019, 4:34 pm
FMD - we've got different "Consolidated Jokes" threads on two different forums, and both started by the same OP. :shock:

Now that is funny.
It's Meant to be FUNNY Jack,It's CONSOLIDATED JOKES !! :lol: :lol:
Well, now it is. =D>

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 848
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » December 25, 2019, 7:42 am

Topical
Attachments
DA7D44BC-7D36-43EC-84D1-2D95A99052D9.jpeg

User avatar
Brian Davis
udonmap.com
Posts: 2151
Joined: January 26, 2008, 8:14 pm
Location: Phen (Udon Thani Province)

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Brian Davis » January 7, 2020, 11:19 am

IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous
chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could
have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..woman...person asked why I didn't just make
one
snow person with detachable parts.
.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,
as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
.
8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a
burqa.
.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended
.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the
snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic
role.
.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with
eviction.
.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women. I replied "Snowballs" and am
now
called a sexist.
.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe
sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult
weather.

.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by
social services.
.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street
demanding for me to be beheaded.

MORAL:

There is no moral to this story. It is what western civilization sadly has become.

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 770
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » January 7, 2020, 11:36 am

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in the nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 848
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 7, 2020, 11:55 am

The 12 commandments of growing older

#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.
#2 - Consider "in style" to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management, you just need people to stop annoying you
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
#6 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age look so much older than you.
#10 - You thought growing old would take a lot longer.
#11 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

And one more:
So you know you're growing older when "one for the road" means taking a pee before you leave🥴🤓

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10166
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 7, 2020, 8:44 pm

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park!"

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 848
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 8, 2020, 6:39 am

Topical 🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴
Attachments
C82989F7-8108-4E09-BEED-E97719A8A4D3.jpeg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10166
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 8, 2020, 5:57 pm

Husband: "Honey, I've been hit by a car. Tina brought me to hospital. I have 3 broken ribs, a broken leg and minor cuts that can be easily stitched up. I'll be ok"

Wife's response "who's Tina?"

User avatar
stattointhailand
udonmap.com
Posts: 11723
Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » January 11, 2020, 6:41 pm

There are better things in the world than alcohol .......

But

alcohol sorta makes up for not having any of them

pal52
udonmap.com
Posts: 753
Joined: September 18, 2013, 10:54 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by pal52 » January 12, 2020, 7:54 am

Taken from Crutchleys column in Bangkok post

Singles Alert

The following singles ad recently appeared in the Atlanta Journal:

"Single black female seeks male companionship. Ethnicity not important. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips. Cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. When you get home from work I will be at the front door wearing only what nature gave me. Call … and ask for Daisy."



More than 1,500 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador retriever.

Chuchi
udonmap.com
Posts: 343
Joined: April 17, 2016, 1:55 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Chuchi » January 12, 2020, 4:38 pm

0AB6769E-1E67-4955-B87D-E0B9C1172D0C.jpeg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10166
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 14, 2020, 10:09 pm

81807008_453217428653010_2929429405409214464_o.jpg

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 848
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 15, 2020, 7:26 am

Could happen
Attachments
6C6B6DA5-CEC2-4636-B35A-247C96FB57DF.jpeg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10166
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 15, 2020, 11:38 pm

I don’t know if this is a scam or not but I’ve just received a phone call saying I’d won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10166
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 16, 2020, 10:30 am

I‘ve had my bank card scammed

Luckily my bank realised that I wasn’t getting a Thai massage or ordering takeaway in Guernsey

Post Reply

Return to “Open Forum”