Why won't she marry me

Long distance relationships, mixed relationships etc...
djinstructor
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Why won't she marry me

Post by djinstructor » June 5, 2018, 9:21 am

I need some serious help here as I am feeling very low at present. My issues relate to the potential marriage capabilities of my ex Thai gf.

I met a Thai just over 2 years ago online; she is a well educated banker, has a good job in Bangkok earning around THB 30K; has come from a fairly humble background - parents rice farmers. She is very genuine, I have met her at work and her work colleagues so she is definitely not a scam. Her brother was killed 10 years ago so she is the main bread winner for her parents so she has just bought them a car and also sends back around 30% of her salary.

I was living and working in Saudi so I thought nothing of placing her in a decent condo in Bangkok for THB 12K pcm plus extras. I lived with her during holidays and we generally had good times together although following her extreme moodiness I did move out on many occasions but after a few days we recovered. I took her to Singapore, Malaysia, Japan and Korea; we went skiing, Hello Kitty World and I even took her flying in a light aeroplane - she had some amazing experiences and she seemed very happy and genuine.

There were two constants during our relationship - she wanted marriage and she wanted children. We had many issues and I was very reluctant to commit since I had a vasectomy in 2002 and felt that a child might not materialise. We often fought verbally over this and she often became quite moody - mainly due to this issue but also to a limited extent because her English meant that she did not understand a lot of what I was saying. She had had some basic English instruction yet seemed reluctant to pursue this to a higher level even though I offered to pay and assist. We had many arguments over her pronunciation (I am an English teacher) and she often thought I was damning her as she did not understand what I was suggesting.

Subsequently following what I am about to tell you next, she said my behaviour was childish and that I disrespected some aspects of Thai culture - example, I never really understood what to do at the temple and found sitting on the hard floor almost impossible. I said things too loudly and did not put up with the poor service which we receive at many Thai establishments because of what is normal for me in Farangland.

January 2018 I took a new job on a reduced income here in Malaysia and suggested that I wanted her to move to a cheaper condo. She visited me here in Malaysia but she became randomly moody and felt that I was not treating her well - she said that I didn't want to help her parents financially and that I was mean and did not want to shop with her even though I felt i was being generous on my reduced income. At the airport 3 months ago following a good weekend she ignored me, walked through immigration and did not acknowledge me at all. We left each other and apart from sporadic nasty messages we were effectively split and she moved from the condo and kept the deposit at the natural 2 year contract end.

So, three months later I am missing her like mad; I contact her boss at the office and all is well as I propose publicly in front of her work colleagues. But, it all goes wrong as she said no way, she has moved on and won't marry me. Subsequent communication from her reinforces the fact that I am mean with money; don't look after her and appear 'like a kid'. I wrote a lovely letter in perfect Thai to explain a potential future offering her the option of staying in BKK and working at her bank whilst I earn an incredible salary in the middle east. I had my equipment inspected at Bumrungrad and discussed other options for children with the doctor who also wrote a letter in Thai so she knew the score on children. Following more recent communication where I apparently am showing her too much emotion I offered her THB 1,000,000 SIn Sod and said I would look after her and her parents in marriage. Quite clearly she does not trust me and will not, under any circumstances allow me to show her any changes or even discuss these. DIscussing issues frankly has always been an issue with her.

In short - she won't even communicate. I feel in a complete mess here. I am a good man, 50 years old and she is 31 (maybe that is the issue). My salary in the middle east is approaching THB 300,000 tax free PCM. I can literally give her anything and take her anywhere where she wants but she has totally shunned me. She has met my adult children so there are no other issues.

I am feeling so desperate here. Her bad moods and my lack of ability to just put up with them lead to our demise. I love her so much and want so much for her to come back to me.

Thoughts?

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Bandung_Dero
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by Bandung_Dero » June 5, 2018, 5:07 pm

Your not "Robinson Cruiso" when it comes to this type of Thai relationship. Take the hint and move on. OR, in the not too distant future you will be in the same boat again minus 1Mil Baht plus plus and maybe even a house and land if she keeps playing the game!

Lived here over 17 years and see it as a monthly event, just in our little Amphur (town). Girls drag em up here by the short and curly's then the demise starts - 99% of the time it's family and money! I could go on but I won't.

BTW having had a vasectomy myself was told it is not reversible after 7 years?
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semperfiguy
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by semperfiguy » June 5, 2018, 5:32 pm

Bandung_Dero, I totally understand how you feel, but the best advice I can give you is to move on. Been there...done that....and I can tell you that the best way to get over somebody like your banker lady is to replace her with someone new and do it quickly. You'll be surprised at how fast you will forget her. If you're making 300T Baht per month then you can just about have your choice of any girl in this country, and this time you can find one without all the emotional baggage. Even if you did get her back you are in for a world of hurt because now you are dealing from a position of weakness and she's got you by the short ones and you'll never gain the upper hand back. Without that degree of control you will never be able to master a relationship with a Thai female. You might also have to accept the fact that perhaps she had someone else on the side all along while you were away, and now she is more dedicated to that person. She also could be getting extreme pressure from her parents to let you go, especially since you will not be able to give them any grandkids, so the family "welfare" stream will not be there for them or their daughter in later years. Forget about having an honest, open and forthright conversation with a Thai woman. You will never get the full story! Nothing is ever as it seems in the Land of Scams!
"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf". - George Orwell

Philrjones
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by Philrjones » June 5, 2018, 6:13 pm

Read and re-read semperfiguy's post.
That's exactly what to do and I couldn't agree more. It's terrific that the girl is self sufficient and doing well for herself and family - it does mean that she doesn't "need" you. So it comes down to does she want you.
From the grief she gives you (as you describe), I'm not sure she does. Could be any number of reasons behind it.

My advice is the same as above - just move on if you can. You don't want a relationship that's full of huge ups and downs, major dramas etc. I wouldn't put up with it - been there before and won't do it again. There are many, many, many nice Thai girls who will take care of you and treat you well. Just be kind/sympathetic to a girls family and any kids and you'll be well looked after. Don't chase this one (or any one) and just walk away. If it's meant to be, it'll work naturally. You shouldn't have to work so hard at it, forcing it to work - forced won't last. Best of luck.

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vincemunday
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by vincemunday » June 5, 2018, 6:23 pm

Not sure about "the Land of scams" but otherwise I'd say that's sound advice, I've even seen Thai girls and their families welcome the hapless farang into the family while pretending that her "brother" will help show him around etc and let's not forget the sick buffalo, it's be rude not to mention that. Djinstructor I concur with the other guys, it's probably best to move on.
"I don't risk my life for the sake of my children, I risk it for the sake of everyone's children" Stephen Yaxley-Lennon aka Tommy Robison - Free speech activist 2017

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arjay
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by arjay » June 5, 2018, 6:23 pm

djinstructor, I would concur with Bandung's and PhilrJones' sentiments. It's time for you to move on.

I would suggest, she wants to move on, despite the financial security you would provide. You have shown her what money can buy and many good things in life. It may well be that, yes, she wants those things, but simply not with or from you.

If she really wanted you, she would be pursuing you, but she clearly isn't. Take the message and move on.

I wasted a year of my life, in a not altogether dissimilar situation, long ago in the past. A lovely girl, a teacher, well educated and intelligent. Seemingly very honest, but she kept another side of her life from me, and after a year or so, enjoying the relationship of an older foreigner, she became more and more disinterested and remote, eventually moving away and marrying a Thai she had known from University.

I reiterate, if she really wanted you, she would be pursuing you, but she clearly isn't. Take the message and move on.

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Laan Yaa Mo
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by Laan Yaa Mo » June 5, 2018, 6:24 pm

At least you got to visit Hello Kitty World. How many Map members can say that? It must have been a life-altering experience.
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747man
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by 747man » June 5, 2018, 8:21 pm

Laan Yaa Mo wrote:
June 5, 2018, 6:24 pm
At least you got to visit Hello Kitty World. How many Map members can say that? It must have been a life-altering experience.
So I Guess YOU Have been there as well...LYM :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:

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Laan Yaa Mo
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by Laan Yaa Mo » June 5, 2018, 10:04 pm

No, not yet. I could not find a taxi driver who would take me there. Furthermore, rumour has it that there is an Everton booth in which punters have to endure another nil-nil draw on the big screen.
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GT93
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by GT93 » June 6, 2018, 12:57 am

555 Yes move on. I think most but not all Thai girls prefer a Thai man if they fancy their chances of landing a good one.

Some parts of your post hint at some shortcomings. Farang chaps usually like to gloss over our limitations or unattractive qualities. You won't be the only farang with shortcomings. We prefer to focus on the Thai woman's shortcomings.

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pf-flyer
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by pf-flyer » June 6, 2018, 5:38 am

[quote] Lived here over 17 years and see it as a monthly event, just in our little Amphur (town). Girls drag em up here by the short and curly's then the demise starts - 99% of the time it's family and money! I could go on but I won't.

BTW having had a vasectomy myself was told it is not reversible after 7 years?
[/quote]

Live in a small village of 300 people and I also see this going on presently. These girls sit around and brag to their friends about how many suckers they got on the line and how much they are getting. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself; have you won her heart? If there is no reciprocation in the relationship then dump them and move on. The sooner you do it there better off you will be. I have seen many farangs with the delusion that they are rescuing the girl just like they see in the movies, only to be run roughshod over, scammed, bankrupt and heartbroken. Keep your emotions in check and stand your ground and do not let them play on your emotions. Don't be naive. Chock it up to a lesson learned and move on. Many of them play the victim card in order to keep the upper hand.
Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that could have been avoided if you would have had just said " NO " ?

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Bandung_Dero
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by Bandung_Dero » June 6, 2018, 6:12 am

Just to add:-

This book does not necessarily apply to the OP but should be COMPULSORY reading for any Farang intending to get into a Thai relationship.

https://www.stickmanbangkok.com/readers ... -comments/
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maaka
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by maaka » June 6, 2018, 9:22 am

women dont make good blokes thats for sure, for if they did, we might understand them better. Alas.

we have had afew of these requests lately..is someone playing with us, and is it the lovesick season..

I have known my missus for 10yrs now, and she can be as hard to read as tea leaves. Her moods can be all over the compass that's for sure, and this notion of ' saving face ' can make it difficult to get the truth out of her at times. Thai's are not comfortable with being intimate. They struggle with it, as well as with trust, sharing, support and independence...1000yrs of saving face and then you ask them to be intimate, open up, tell us how your feeling, when we are quite the opposite.

Everything starts with Naam jai. ( generosity, caring, giving, your time, resources, attention and concern )
It is one of the corner stones of Thai society. You may feel you have been generous with her with all the trips and condos and stuff, but my guess is, she would have rather you spend some of that money on her parents. No matter what, she will do everything to support her parents. It is the Thai way. I think you have spoilt her with all those fancy trips, but no only that, but in her eyes, shown her, you are a man that squanders money..no offence intended..look at it from her side. she probably spent long years on a poor farmer earnings, to get a degree in finance, and probably works herself to the bone, for a miserable 30,000bt a month, 10k of which she gives to mama and papa,and the rest is to survive in expensive Bangkok. She probably just makes ends meet. However as a bank employee, she is up the social ladder, and as such requires a man of equal of higher status. I got ditched by a lawyer straight off because my clothes and appearance and lack of funds did not meet her status.

whether her moods have always been there, or because you are adding to them, is anyone/s guess.Some of the things I say and do annoys my missus, and I get the ' This is Thailand ' treatment...I dont sit on the floor much because of the old prolapse disc and dont frequent the temple that much either, but my missus is ok with that..

I think like other comments here, that you have burnt your bridge on this one. even if you could scramble across, I can only see troubled waters below..next time, if there is a next time, dont take them out of the country, rent them a bungalow, instead of a condo, buy mama a washing machine or something useful to better their lifes, and go for a woman who perhaps already have kids, and doest want anymore, ifm you have had the old nip and tuck...and read THAILAND FEVER, a helpful book about Thai / western relationships, written by thai /western couple..good luck

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Hoopoe
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by Hoopoe » June 6, 2018, 10:49 am

Anyone like me think's the Op is just a fishing troll

glalt
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Re: Why won't she marry me

Post by glalt » June 6, 2018, 10:52 am

My advice would be to cut your losses and move on. As time goes on in your current relationship, it will be increasingly difficult and expensive to get out of that failing relationship.

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