Consolidated Joke Thread

[Prenders88]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afgahanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he staggered toward the object only to find a little Jewish man sitting at card table with a collection of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, " I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?"
They are only $150. The one goes very nicely with your robes."


"Darn Idiot!" shouted the Arab, I do not need an overpriced tie. I need WATER!!!!!
"OK", said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the East for four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!.

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Six hours later he comes crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The old man said, " I told you, about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

I found it alright, " rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let in without a tie!"

[beer monkey]

A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[wazza]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said, 'Turnaround'."

[beer monkey]

wazza you posted that one 4 days ago... lol.....

[wazza]

I had problems, with submitting many , as i had to log on and off +++++, so i gave up, and didnt check, sorry for that.

[beer monkey]

no problem wazza, its a good joke anyway.

[beer monkey]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."....

[wazza]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurse were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went
into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!!!!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[jingjai]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
>>> The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"
>>> The woman says: "No, he's 9 years old and she's 7.
>>> Why? Do you think they look alike?"
>>> "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice".

[beer monkey]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ----"..

[Miruku]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick the bartender says "You'll not be drinkin' anymore tonight Paddy." Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool, and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "xxxxxx, xxxxxx" he cries.

He looks to the doorway, and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up the door-frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

B'Jesus.. I'm fockin focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door-frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin, way."

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room, falls flat on his face. He says "fock" and falls into bed.

Next morning, his wife Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of tea and says, "get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says "yes I did, Jess. I was fockin pissed. But how'd you know?'

"Mick phoned...... you left your wheelchair at the pub."

[wazza]

1 "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen

2. "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Unknown

3. "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield

4. What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy

5. "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin

6. "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." Drew Carey

7. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen

8. "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." George Burns

9. "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." Matt Barry

10. "Life is a sexually transmitted disease curable only by death " Unknown

11. "My sexual preference is not you." T-shirt

12. "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. Woody Allen

13. "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns

14. "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." Henry Miller

15."There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." P. J. O'Rourke

16.

[wazza]

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire amongst other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great and expensive cigars, and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the most obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and he was sentenced to 24 months in jail and ordered to pay a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[wazza]

It was probably funnier when Spike Milligan told it

The Daily Mail says it has discovered that a joke "scientifically" proved to be the funniest in the world was written by comic genius Spike Milligan.
No surprises there.

His original was apparently set in an ordinary home, not on a hunting trip like the winner, and so apparently was funnier still.

Here's the joke as displayed on www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html which did the scientific study:


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:

[wazza]

Guys, you know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Every Valentine's Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration.

Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

June 30th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a Steak and a BJ. That's it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable June 30th . It's like a perpetual love machine!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, Steak and BJ

[wazza]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tiled level and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him.

[farang]

a few years ago a bloke goes over to Iraq for a visit. He notices that all the women there follow several yards behind their menfolk. He decides to ask an Iraqi why this is.

[farang]

On a plane bound for Sydney the flight attendant approached a blonde
sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to
economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and
I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the
co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her
to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Sydney and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and
asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde and I know how to handle
this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the
blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight
attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally
convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to
Sydney..."

[Alagrl]

Some news for you guy-types:

* * * * *

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drinks." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

[beer monkey]

really gulfcoast you must read all the topics you know. 6 out of 10 for effort. good try.

http://www.udonmap.com/udonthaniforum/v ... php?t=1551