It's great to see 747man in such fine form with the new football season drawing near.

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.

"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.

"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.

"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.

"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

old Burt finally retires & with his lump sum decides to treat himself to something he has always wanted
a pair of really expensive cowboy boots.
spends all weekend trawling the town centre & eventually settles on the snazziest leather cowboy boots he can find.
he gets home & proudly stands in front of the wife with his boots on & asks her if she notices anything different.
she looks him up & down & then says, NO.
a pissed off Burt storms off upstairs.
comes back down 5 minutes later stark bollock naked apart from just his cowboy boots.
NOW do you notice anything different
again she looks him up & down & again she says NO .
Now in a real rage, he points down to his boots & says to her LOOK down there, where my ***** is pointing to.
oh yeah she says now I see. What a shame you didn't buy a cowboy Hat

Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in. While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.

As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.

“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”

I just wanted to warn everyone as I’d hate someone to end up in the same situation. A Dyson ball cleaner isn’t what the name suggests.

747man wrote: ↑

July 22, 2018, 8:05 pm

I just wanted to warn everyone as I’d hate someone to end up in the same situation. A Dyson ball cleaner isn’t what the name suggests.

Sh*t I've just ordered TEN for the bowling alley :-&

man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger : 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his ****** wife."

Two Irishmen flew to Cape York on a hunting trip. They chartered a small
plane to take them into the Top for a week hunting wild pigs.

They managed to bag 10. As they were loading the plane to return, the
pilot said the plane could take only 8 pigs.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot ten. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all ten were loaded. The plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the pig bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Really enjoy this thread , I’m one of those people who can’t tell jokes,but reading on here sometimes makes me reminisce on my childhood days sitting round the goggle box with the family watching the tv show The Comedians , this feels like a never ending episode......it’s the way you tell em

Sent from a Mate.....

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!

Definition of eternity ............ the time between you coming .............. and her going

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity."

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

A lion was becoming rather old and slow and was having trouble catching prey. He decided he needed a disguise so that other animals would not know he was a lion and would therefore not run away.

So he went into a fancy dress shop and bought a gorilla suit. He then headed for a watering hole to see if he could catch something with his cunning disguise. On the way to the hole, he came across two eagles sitting on a rock.

One eagle said: “Hi, Mr Lion.”

The other eagle said: “Where did you get the gorilla suit?”

The lion was devastated. “How did you know I was a lion?” he asked.

The eagles then started to sing: “You can’t hide your lion eyes . . .”

At breakfast, I asked my wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won £12 yesterday. Here’s £6. Stay in touch.”